theresalwayshope | 004} i can learn to stand alone

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004} i can learn to stand alone

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[When the feed clicks on, the petite female form curled up in her bed is a blessedly familiar one. She's sort of drowning in a pair of boy's gym shorts and a large t-shirt (which she had to grab off the floor because she'd woken up in just the shorts), and her hair is a soft, sleep-mussed cloud of waves, but it's definitely Allison Argent facing all eyes with a bemused, slightly shell-shocked expression.]

So...that's a flood?

...huh.

[She refocuses and manages a smile.] So, um...I'm me again, and...I pretty much remember what happened.

[She shifts the camera to her bedroom floor, where a pile of men's clothing is sitting, then swings back to herself.]

I know I lent some people clothes, and some people lent me clothes, so...I'm gonna make sure everything's washed, get it organized, and if you lent me anything? Please feel free to drop by my cabin later this afternoon and we'll settle up. Otherwise, if anyone needs anything...even just a friendly ear to discuss the pros and cons of having your gender all swapped around? Buzz me. [Her smile grows.] I'd be more than happy to help.

[PRIVATE TO LYDIA]

[The happy, helpful smile is now gone...and frankly, Allison looks pretty upset. Not tearful or broken, but her features are tight and she's a little more hunched in on herself. More than anything, she looks...uncomfortable, maybe even a little pained.]

When you're free, or...up, or whatever, could you...come by my cabin? [Remembering the sob fest in Lydia's cabin previously, she continues on in a rush.] I'm okay, I'm really okay, I just...

[She trails off, her face scrunching up. There's still no tears as she starts shaking her head...in fact, she almost looks a little more relaxed for admitting that there's something wrong.]

I'm not okay, Lyds. [She makes a face at that...a habit she's picked up over the last few days that seems to have stuck, and she's not sure she likes it.] I really need to talk, can you just...come by?

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[She watches the public video and of course Lydia can already tell she's not doing okay. She doesn't know what happened exactly, but she knows Alan was a lot more open about his feelings than Allison normally is.

So by the time she gets the private message? Lydia is already up and walking out of the library, where she'd been searching for new material to read. She's pretty much done with all the autobiographies and she's even been reading up on science books of different worlds.

But obviously, Allison comes first.]

I'm on my way, sweetie. It's good to have you back. [She knows how much floods can mess with your head. It's important to remind Allison that this is the real her.]

Edited 2014-07-12 20:19 (UTC)

[Allison manages to nod with a wan smile at the familiar greeting...then again, Alan had been sweetie sometimes, too. She could remember it, even though it wasn't her life...the way his eyes had burned the first time, the way it rang in his head the day Jackson broke up with Lydia and Alan lost a tooth in the ensuing fist fight with him...

The memories are fuzzy and muddled, with only the strong ones standing out clearly...but most of them hurt, both her and the boy she could have been. And she needs her best friend to sort it all out.]

It's good to be back.

[And Lydia will never know just how good.]

Take your time, ba--sweetie. I'll be waiting.

Two minutes.

[After making her promise, Lydia disconnects the call and starts over to Allison, so she can walk faster. She's wearing heels, as Lydia always does, so she takes her usual time to get there instead of running.

When she does get there, though, she knocks, gives it a couple of seconds and then reaches to open the door. If Allison is still comfortable in her bed, there's no need to make her get up.

She pokes her head inside before stepping into the room completely and closing the door behind her.]

Hey.

Hey, b--sweetie.

[Allison made a face again, shaking her head as she corrected herself. It was like watching a movie too many times, where the lines got stuck in your head and you found yourself quoting it without meaning to.

She's tucked back against the headboard of her bed, and without hesitating she scoots over to make room for Lydia to sit beside her, or stretch out, or whatever...she wants to just pile on her bed with Lydia to talk about boys (even if it's the one she used to be)...possibly play with her hair or let Lydia play with hers.

She wants to talk and do something insanely girly and distance herself as much as humanly possible from the strangeness of being male...and the bleak gauntlet of lonely sorrow that was Alan Argent's life.]

[She suddenly wishes she had some ice cream or chocolate to offer Allison. But she figures if it comes to it, she can ask the boys to bring them some.

On her way over to Allison's bed, Lydia takes time to remove her shoes before sitting down next to her best friend. There's a lot she wants to ask, but she wants Allison to take the lead on this conversation and talk about whatever she needs to talk about, so Lydia just leans against the headboard and turns to look at her.]

So, that was a flood. How are you feeling?

[Leave it to Lydia to ask the most loaded question of all. Still, it's a reasonable one, which means Allison can't avoid it.

Staring at her hands, she thinks about it all and tries to find the shortest, easiest way to get through it...to explain how okay she's not, and that she needs time to talk about it, because Alan's life is making her question her own. Who she's loved, who she's trusted...who she's mourned.]

I'm...feeling very messed up. And very confused...not because I was a boy, but...because I wondered, sometimes, if things would have been different, you know? If I was a different person, if...if I didn't have a destiny as a leader. And it was different.

[She's quiet for a long moment, and a single tear slides down her cheek. She wipes it away quickly...no other tears follow.]

It was hell.

[She pauses, looking to Lydia...her light in the dark, her best friend in the world. Looking back, it's painfully easy to see why the male version of her was in love with Lydia: Allison probably would be, too, if she were into girls. That's how much she loves her best friend, and with a different set of hormones, that fierce loyalty and affection could easily cross the line into something else.

But she's herself again, and there's nothing more than just that as she scoots closer to slid her arm through Lydia's and rest her head on her shoulder fondly.]

I'm sorry I was such a goofy idiot as a boy. [There's a playful smile on her lips as she says it, tipping her head up to look at Lydia.] I just...couldn't help it. You and Scott and Stiles...you really were the only good things I ever knew in my whole life as a boy.

[And that is the answer Lydia was looking for. Something really honest and really raw. Because that's what she thinks an Alan answer would have been like and considering how hard it is for Allison to open up like that, she could use tapping into Alan just for a little longer.]

I'm sorry it was so hard on him.

[She keeps her voice quiet, because she wants Allison to keep going. And when she scoots closer, Lydia links her arm with her then takes her hand before leaning her head on top of hers.]

You don't have to apologize, Allison. As much as I missed you, I liked him, too.

[She smiles a little, but it's a sad smile. Because she gets it more than she lets on. Allison, Stiles and Scott are the only people who really know her, the real her. They know everything she is, everything she can do and they still accept her. They are more her family than her blood relatives. So Lydia gets it all to well.

The pack is much more important than family to her.]

It must have been weird, having Scott as a girl?

[It's everything right to say, and it's enough to keep her talking...but there's so much. It's going to take a long time to get through all of it...how Alan was a better person, how she's come to question everything that happened to lead to the end of her relationship with Scott, how hard it is to realize that nothing changes...that maybe Scott was right, maybe Fate was a thing.

So, for the moment, she simply nods at the observation about Scott...then continues on with all the seriousness she can muster.]

Yeah...but he was a cute girl. I'd go gay for him.

[She lifts her head, grinning outright now.]

Well, if he was a girl and you were a boy, you wouldn't have to. Alan seemed pretty straight.

[And for a second, Lydia kinda wonders if something happened between her and the male version of her best friend. She wants to ask, but she figures Allison might feel weird. Besides, it's too recent, it can wait until Allison experiences a couple more floods and can laugh about this.]

And what was it like being a boy? From a female perspective.

[Allison giggles, swatting Lydia's arm playfully as she straightens with a roll of her eyes.] I mean if Scott were a girl, you dork!

[And that helps, just a little. Finding something to laugh about...until she thinks of her other self and all that pain he endured.

Then again...if she really thinks about it, Alan would approve. That's what the pack is to him, joy and love and safety and happiness. It's where he can laugh at anything, even himself, and it's safe to do so. Where no matter how many names are called, how many jokes are cracked, it's all done with a level of love that makes her ache inside, remembering how intensely he felt it.

It makes her realize, as important as her friends are to her, how much she takes them, and their love, for granted.

Refocusing on Lydia's question, Allison puffs out her cheeks as she really stops to think about it, shrugging as she rakes her hands back through her hair and shifts to face Lydia more comfortably.]

It's...hard to say? For him, everything was colored by...by the way our parents treated him. [Because she can't separate that, and in her mother's case, she doesn't want to. Her father at least tried, but her mother was just cruel to him, and Allison hates her for that, dead or not.] The rest...I think he was freer with being violent.

[She hesitates, unsure whether she should say anything about what she remembers...then decides she should. Because it's not like Allison doesn't understand it, or even approve of it to a degree. She simply never would have done it herself...because she was never in love with Lydia.

For Scott, she'd have done it in a heartbeat.]

For instance...after Jackson broke up with you the first time? They got into a fight, which you knew about...but he never told you that he threatened to kill him. [She pauses, then makes a face.] And it wasn't a threat...if you know what I mean.

[Well, Lydia certainly didn't expect the answer Allison is giving her. She expected something along the lines of peeing standing up being really hard, or something a lot less... loaded.

Technically she and Jackson had only broken up once since they never got back together. But that isn't the point. So she grins softly because she can tell Allison isn't entirely comfortable with it.]

Well, I would probably have been really pissed at him at the time, but right now, I can appreciate the it. [She would actually have appreciated it back then too, secretly. Because she'd have liked someone taking care of her when she was heartbroken.]

He did seem more-- open. When I spoke with him. I guess we were close, too?

[Allison opens her mouth...then closes it. It's not like it matters now, she could tell Lydia how Alan really felt about her. To Allison, it's sweet, and she understands it, too. Hell, it might even be good for Lydia's ego...

...but then again, maybe he's right. Maybe it would upset her. And besides...she and Alan might be the same person, but they're also...not.

She decides it's not her secret to tell. So, with a secretive little smile and open fondness in her voice, she nods and chooses her words carefully.]

I...think I can safely say that neither one of us could possibly live without you, Lyds. Not now, not ever.

[Well. Allison may think she's being smooth, but Lydia can read right through her attempt at... whatever the hell that was.

She's about to let it go, though, because she doesn't want to potentially make things awkward. But her next words take her by surprise.

It's not meant for her to hear them as a reminder of what life without Allison had been like, she knows that. She just can't help that it works as one anyway.

So she needs the change in subject. Quick.

With a deep breath, a narrowing of her eyes, and a cock of her head, Lydia stares at Allison.]

Was there something going on between Alan and I? [She'll definitely take the awkward.]

[Allison blinks, then makes a face with a huff because...well, that's just what happens when your best friend knows you that well.

Still, she sees it...that shadow, that hole she can't identify...and she lets it go, because maybe it's something from the Barge, but the more she sees it in her friends, the more it starts to bother her. She wants to do something about it, fill that hole, banish that shadow...it's her job.

But if an awkward conversation is all she can offer for the moment...]

There was nothing going on between you and Alan. [And it's the truth, the Gospel truth...he never even so much as tried to kiss her, not once...]

[When Allison doesn't call her on the sudden change in her, Lydia almost sighs in relief. Because she knows Allison noticed. She's an Argent. She's a huntress. She's an archer. She has a good eye for more than just her aim.

But this is one of the reasons they get along as well as they do. Because they know when to push on an issue and when to let it go.

So Lydia will stick with awkward conversation.

Because it's easier, yes. But also because there's something she's curious about.]

Good, that would have been weird. And I'm obviously not with Jackson anymore if he threatened to kill him, so am I seeing anyone in his world?

[She's proud at how smooth she makes the question. Allison doesn't know about what happened to Aiden so even if she was seeing him, it won't upset her best friend. But she really wants to know if there was something between her and Stiles there, too. It's something she's wondered about since the mirror barge. If there are other versions of them.]

[Allison grinned, rolling her eyes.] If you mean the booty calls with Aiden? I wouldn't exactly call that--

[She cut herself short, sobering as a string of memories rose from nothing.]

...oh.

[Maybe, somewhere deep in her psyche, he was still there...trying to see his best friend happy, trying to make sure the girl he loved so desperately was safe and cherished with a boy that deserved her...a boy that could give her everything that she deserved. Maybe that was why it suddenly came up in her head...

...at least, that was what Allison chose to believe as she shook her head and raised a hand to ward off any terrible things Lydia might be thinking.]

It's nothing bad, it's just...you're not seeing anyone in his world. Just...things between you and Stiles were...different. Like...remember the black light party? He was, uhm...busy dancing with Isabel...Lahey, it was Isaac...but he saw you and Stiles dancing together.

[She pauses, melting into a grin.] He looked like a spaz...you kept rolling your eyes, but you were giggling at him.

[Well, Lydia manages to get through the mention of Aiden and block it pretty much completely. Because she'd been expecting it. Or at least, know it was a possibility.

And then she does get worried at the look on her best friend's face. Because something is obviously happening.

It's a lot harder to mask her surprise when she mentions things being different. No, surprise might not be the right word, but it does make her nervous because she doesn't know what it means.]

Not like I've never danced with him before. [Her tone is mostly defensive because she sees that grin and she knows it means trouble. Even if she's glad she seems to be helping Allison relax.]

So Alan was dating Isabel? Or-- dancing around her, like you and Isaac were back home.

Sort of...not really. [Allison smiles a little, noting the brush off from Lydia and having none of it as she lowers her gaze, pulling a pillow into her lap and busying herself with tugging at a loose thread.]

We were...in the same place, we just talked about it more. Izzy...Isabel, she was good at getting Alan to open up about more than just how he felt, but...what he wanted. Alan didn't feel like he really deserved anything, least of all Scott--I mean, Scout.

[She pauses, lifting her gaze again.]

You also went with Stiles to Eichen House when he was admitted. Promised not to tell, but you tipped off Alan, who tipped off Scout...who tried to stop him.

[While Lydia feels that Scott and Allison still have places to go together, she knows her friend was having a good time with Isaac back home. She doesn't know him as well as she knows Scott, which is odd considering they are all pack, but she knows Isaac really cares about Allison, and apparently, it was no different for Alan, so it's good to hear he has a version of Isaac, too.]

Well, until he can figure things out, and stop looking down on himself and being an idiot, I'm glad he has Isabel. [Got that message loud and clear, right, Allison?

She's not really prepared for the mention of Eichen House though and it's upsetting to think that no versions of Stiles are free of the Nogitsune.]

You mean I stayed there with him or just went with the Sheriff to drop him off?

[Yeah, Allison got the message all right...and Lydia's reward is a dirty look through narrowed eyes, because Allison is fine and she's not an idiot...and she doesn't even have Isaac anymore. She's got her pack, and her job, and she's really trying to adjust to the lonely life of the good soldier until she's saved Stiles and can go home.

So there.

She softens, though, when Lydia's disquiet shows in her eyes, and shifts so she can gather Lydia's hands up in her own, squeezing them comfortingly.]

You drove with the Sheriff...they wouldn't let you in, so you said goodbye at the gate and left with Scout. When you came back, everyone talked to Deaton...and you planned the armored car robbery with Alan's help.

[Lydia is very much aware that her best friend is far from being an idiot. And she knows how scary these things can be. But now more than ever, she wants her to be happy. And she doesn't want her to have to wait for her happiness.

She pauses when Allison takes her hands and takes a deep breath. She needs to pull herself together, to not think about whether or not Alan went to fight the Oni, too. And if he had the same ending as her best friend.]

Well, it would probably have sucked to deal with all those boys by myself, you're the one who actually helped me with that plan.

He did, too. [That hole opens up in Lydia's eyes again, but it's fleeting. It does, however, drive Allison to give her hands another comforting squeeze as she watches Lydia's face, a soft gaze just to see if she can spot it again...maybe figure out where it comes from.] But mostly because you made him. Boy in the Argent family and all, he was trained to follow orders.

[She pauses, trying to remember Alan's life...his conversation with Stiles, the things he said to Lydia, the things they'd talked about in his past. She thinks about the things she sees happening between the two of them, her two best friends (and they always will be, now that she's seen Stiles through Alan's eyes, felt that same fierce, passionate, brotherly affection she can only imagine Scott also feels for him), and she thinks about what Alan wanted more than anything.

She also thinks about how much it sucks, being alone herself, and she comes to a decision as she watches Lydia's face.]

He was also the only person on the planet that could get away with calling you stupid. I might have to borrow that from him.

Yeah, he kinda mentioned some things about the family. I guess it makes sense, with why he was so different from you in some ways. [He still had the pressure of being an Argent, but not the one of having to deal with plans and decisions. He didn't need to be a leader like Allison does.

And if there's anyone on the planet, or the universes considering they're not even on Earth anymore, it definitely is her best friend. Especially now. Especially after she failed her.

But she needs to say something to the contrary so Allison won't suspect anything.]

I would strongly advise against it.

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004} i can learn to stand alone

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