I did what made sense. [And it still does, even now...remembering her mirror self, even remembering what she did after Jerry turned her, she feels a sense of inner calm that she's not sure she's ever known. Being a vampire was a cold, sick parody of this: every killer instinct, every hunter's impulse laid permanently to rest.
Oh, they're still there, but she doesn't question them. She can't, it's her nature. She's a true hunter now, and while it doesn't fix everything, it calms so many of her doubts and fears about herself...it lays so many old demons to rest...]
I didn't want to die, I wanted to keep my promise, but Lydia...something funny happens when you die, and I did die.
[Standing with preternatural grace, she moves to Lydia and uses gentle strength to try and make her face Allison, her grip one of human force she could escape if she wanted to...but she hopes Lydia won't, because Allison is trying to look into her face.]
And I did die, Lydia. I know you felt it, and I know it was awful, and I will always regret that you carry that in your memory, sweetie. But it happened, and it can be fixed...before I explain anything else, you need to stand there and listen to this.
[She lets her eyes glow wolf gold again, wants Lydia to see Allison her friend and Allison the werewolf, side by side...wants her to understand that she didn't make a rash choice.
That she finally feels whole.]
I asked for this. I came back outside Scott's door...it's like the Admiral knew. Maybe he could have gotten me to the infirmary in time, maybe they could have treated me, but I asked him for the bite before he took me. They kept me stable until the bite took...they kept me safe until this morning.
I asked for this. The thing that drove my mother to kill herself--God, Lydia, you have no idea how much I hate that woman now for what she did to me because of stupid, selfish pride!...the thing I became in another world, that made me a better person.
The thing that will make me harder to kill. Think about it, Lydia...I didn't have to do it. I could have tried to let the doctors save me, but I did this. I did this...to keep my promise.
[To stop trying to give up her life for her friends, to do something better with it instead. To understand how precious her own life was.
To make sure her pack would never have to watch or feel her die again.]
[spam] cw: mentions of suicide
Oh, they're still there, but she doesn't question them. She can't, it's her nature. She's a true hunter now, and while it doesn't fix everything, it calms so many of her doubts and fears about herself...it lays so many old demons to rest...]
I didn't want to die, I wanted to keep my promise, but Lydia...something funny happens when you die, and I did die.
[Standing with preternatural grace, she moves to Lydia and uses gentle strength to try and make her face Allison, her grip one of human force she could escape if she wanted to...but she hopes Lydia won't, because Allison is trying to look into her face.]
And I did die, Lydia. I know you felt it, and I know it was awful, and I will always regret that you carry that in your memory, sweetie. But it happened, and it can be fixed...before I explain anything else, you need to stand there and listen to this.
[She lets her eyes glow wolf gold again, wants Lydia to see Allison her friend and Allison the werewolf, side by side...wants her to understand that she didn't make a rash choice.
That she finally feels whole.]
I asked for this. I came back outside Scott's door...it's like the Admiral knew. Maybe he could have gotten me to the infirmary in time, maybe they could have treated me, but I asked him for the bite before he took me. They kept me stable until the bite took...they kept me safe until this morning.
I asked for this. The thing that drove my mother to kill herself--God, Lydia, you have no idea how much I hate that woman now for what she did to me because of stupid, selfish pride!...the thing I became in another world, that made me a better person.
The thing that will make me harder to kill. Think about it, Lydia...I didn't have to do it. I could have tried to let the doctors save me, but I did this. I did this...to keep my promise.
[To stop trying to give up her life for her friends, to do something better with it instead. To understand how precious her own life was.
To make sure her pack would never have to watch or feel her die again.]