[She's explaining it badly, and Allison lets Lydia have a step back. Shaking her head, she wrings her hands together and takes a deep breath, looking down at them as she speaks.]
Not like you think, not...that it would make me a saint. Like I said, things get real clear when you're about to die, and...Lydia, I promised myself I wouldn't let you scream for me again. I wouldn't die, I'd survive...I'd keep surviving.
Forget morality, good versus bad...there's one thing I remember about my mirror self, and that was the fact she was...at peace with herself. I didn't understand it, but now I do. The killer instinct, Lydia...the hunt, the chase, the kill, all the things I hate most about myself are part of being a werewolf. I can feel them all inside, I can feel the beast and the blood it wants. And you know how I control it?
[She finally looks up...and her expression is happy, even peaceful as she smiles.]
I don't. I remember her anchor: it's violence, it's all the things in myself that I'm most afraid of. And if I let go, if I just...let it take me...it's like I can finally see the root of it, the goodness behind every dark thought, and I can hold onto that to keep me human.
What I asked Scott to do...[She trails off, drawing a shaky sigh as she frowns and lowers her head again.] I know it's not for everyone, but...for me, to me, there's nothing wrong with being a werewolf. And it has me rethinking everything I ever believed about werewolves. Yeah, they're dangerous under the wrong circumstances, but...
[She shakes her head, tearing up a little.]
I kind of wish Erica were still here, so I could apologize all over again. I need to talk to Jackson, I...maybe I can show him how good being a werewolf can be, maybe it'll help him graduate. Because it is, to me...and when I think of the fact that my mom chose to die rather than try to live like this? To see that it could be a gift?
I hate her for it. Because even if this goes away, like being a vampire did, I know I can be this later. The hunter, the predator...I don't have to fear that part of me anymore. I can be it. She could have, too...her death set off so much, and if she had tried to live with it? Like my mirror self did? Maybe Jackson wouldn't be here right now. Maybe none of us would be here right now...maybe I wouldn't have died in the first place, if my mother hadn't been such a coward.
[spam] cw: mentions of suicide
Not like you think, not...that it would make me a saint. Like I said, things get real clear when you're about to die, and...Lydia, I promised myself I wouldn't let you scream for me again. I wouldn't die, I'd survive...I'd keep surviving.
Forget morality, good versus bad...there's one thing I remember about my mirror self, and that was the fact she was...at peace with herself. I didn't understand it, but now I do. The killer instinct, Lydia...the hunt, the chase, the kill, all the things I hate most about myself are part of being a werewolf. I can feel them all inside, I can feel the beast and the blood it wants. And you know how I control it?
[She finally looks up...and her expression is happy, even peaceful as she smiles.]
I don't. I remember her anchor: it's violence, it's all the things in myself that I'm most afraid of. And if I let go, if I just...let it take me...it's like I can finally see the root of it, the goodness behind every dark thought, and I can hold onto that to keep me human.
What I asked Scott to do...[She trails off, drawing a shaky sigh as she frowns and lowers her head again.] I know it's not for everyone, but...for me, to me, there's nothing wrong with being a werewolf. And it has me rethinking everything I ever believed about werewolves. Yeah, they're dangerous under the wrong circumstances, but...
[She shakes her head, tearing up a little.]
I kind of wish Erica were still here, so I could apologize all over again. I need to talk to Jackson, I...maybe I can show him how good being a werewolf can be, maybe it'll help him graduate. Because it is, to me...and when I think of the fact that my mom chose to die rather than try to live like this? To see that it could be a gift?
I hate her for it. Because even if this goes away, like being a vampire did, I know I can be this later. The hunter, the predator...I don't have to fear that part of me anymore. I can be it. She could have, too...her death set off so much, and if she had tried to live with it? Like my mirror self did? Maybe Jackson wouldn't be here right now. Maybe none of us would be here right now...maybe I wouldn't have died in the first place, if my mother hadn't been such a coward.