[Her voice cracks on that, and she has to stop and shove a fist against her mouth for a moment. Lydia's hand rubbing long, rhythmic strokes up and down her back feels like a rubber band circling her middle, keeping the pieces of her from flying apart...it's uncomfortable, but she needs it. She needs it so she doesn't completely destroy herself in ways that run from letting her own guilt and grief paralyze her to tearing out Jerry Dandridge's throat with her bare hands.]
She was in that vault because of what I did...because I was hunting her.
[She pauses, staring into the middle distance as her face contorts with something like shame.]
I liked it, you know. Hunting them...I shot her down and she watched as I filled Boyd with arrows out in the woods. I nearly killed him that night, and I liked it. It was fun, and she saw that. She ran when my dad let her go, and she died.
[She pauses, shaking her head a little, suddenly wishing she was strong enough to pull away from that gentle hand on her back...suddenly ashamed of herself for accepting comfort she didn't deserve.]
That's in me, Lydia. I don't...just do what I have to. I enjoy it. Erica's not the enemy, I'd never hurt her again, but a real threat? Someone endangering the people I love?
[Someone like Jerry. Someone stalking her pack, feeding on and terrorizing her dearest friends...
Her gaze finally slides, very hesitantly, to Lydia's, and she's never in her life looked more lost or afraid.]
That's what you're saving, Lydia. [She's whispering now, watery and broken, fumbling to reach for her hand.] That's the monster you're getting bitten by vampires for and tortured by psycho clowns for, and I don't understand why you're making deals to save that...
[She's shaking her head and failing not to cry. Her voice is still quiet, but approaching hysterical.]
You keep getting hurt to save me, all of you...and all I want to do is kill him. Even for Erica, he'll hurt her, too, he'll keep hurting everyone and all I want to do is kill him so he stays head, and why would you want to save that?
[Spam]
[Her voice cracks on that, and she has to stop and shove a fist against her mouth for a moment. Lydia's hand rubbing long, rhythmic strokes up and down her back feels like a rubber band circling her middle, keeping the pieces of her from flying apart...it's uncomfortable, but she needs it. She needs it so she doesn't completely destroy herself in ways that run from letting her own guilt and grief paralyze her to tearing out Jerry Dandridge's throat with her bare hands.]
She was in that vault because of what I did...because I was hunting her.
[She pauses, staring into the middle distance as her face contorts with something like shame.]
I liked it, you know. Hunting them...I shot her down and she watched as I filled Boyd with arrows out in the woods. I nearly killed him that night, and I liked it. It was fun, and she saw that. She ran when my dad let her go, and she died.
[She pauses, shaking her head a little, suddenly wishing she was strong enough to pull away from that gentle hand on her back...suddenly ashamed of herself for accepting comfort she didn't deserve.]
That's in me, Lydia. I don't...just do what I have to. I enjoy it. Erica's not the enemy, I'd never hurt her again, but a real threat? Someone endangering the people I love?
[Someone like Jerry. Someone stalking her pack, feeding on and terrorizing her dearest friends...
Her gaze finally slides, very hesitantly, to Lydia's, and she's never in her life looked more lost or afraid.]
That's what you're saving, Lydia. [She's whispering now, watery and broken, fumbling to reach for her hand.] That's the monster you're getting bitten by vampires for and tortured by psycho clowns for, and I don't understand why you're making deals to save that...
[She's shaking her head and failing not to cry. Her voice is still quiet, but approaching hysterical.]
You keep getting hurt to save me, all of you...and all I want to do is kill him. Even for Erica, he'll hurt her, too, he'll keep hurting everyone and all I want to do is kill him so he stays head, and why would you want to save that?