23} i swear this will not be the end...

[theresalwayshope]

[Forward dated to Monday; CLOSED SPAM:SCOTT]



[Just a moment longer.

It's not a lie. She's not breaking her promise...she just wants to make sure they're going to be able to handle it before she leaves.

And so she stays just one moment longer...and another moment longer...

Once she gets home, after her visit with Alrianne (who reminds her enough of Lydia to make Allison love her), she falls into a strange state of being, one where the Barge fades into the back of her mind...little more than a dream, a distant thought carried easily away as things with Stiles get worse. She never truly forgets, not really...there are moments she'll be busy talking to her dad, or the rest of the pack, or she's driving to Derek's loft, and it will hit her like a fist to the gut, so hard she can't breathe...

Then someone will speak to her. A katana will come at her, a bullet will fly, Isaac will smile at her, and it slips through her fingers like water.

The memories don't start sticking until she calls her dad about going after Lydia.

And then she promises herself that she's only going to stay just one moment longer.

She's terrified as she lashes out at each Oni in turn, arrow after arrow and blow after blow. She keeps waiting for it, the killing blade they told her about...she's so close, she has to be careful, she promised she'd come back alive...

In the end, it's not Lydia she dies for. It's Lydia she fights for, like her life depends on it because it does. Because she promised she would live. She's going to hold off one more Oni, knock one more back so maybe someone can get close to the Nogitsune, and then she's gone.

She fights to live for Lydia...and then the Oni is on top of Isaac.

Her hunch plays out, and the Oni is destroyed. Isaac is safe.

They'll be okay...she can go now.

She turns right into the Oni's blade...just as she is about to leave, just as her mind and soul are crying out before the words can leave her mouth, asking the Admiral to take her back...

Get me out of here. I'm ready.

[Scott isn't there when she falls. Instead of pavement in the dead of night, she collapses onto the smooth, dim floor of a corridor on the Barge when the Oni takes back his katana, pulling it out of her body.

She knows the floor, knows the lighting...it doesn't hurt, but she can feel herself bleeding. The cold is seeping in, and the light is getting dark...

Allison presses a hand to her sternum uselessly, trying to make it stop, and lifts her head.

She knows that door...knows that number.

And all at once, she sees with perfect clarity, a way to keep her promise.

It wastes precious strength, but Allison manages to crawl closer to Scott's door, grunting and grimacing as breath leaves her lungs and doesn't return, as the cold continues to spread. When she can reach, she pounds on the lower half of the door, managing little more than a soft thud of a bloodstained fist.]

Scott!

[Her voice is thin and strangled, a shout that comes out as a sigh. She shuts her eyes, gathers what little strength she has...and she tries again.]

Scott!

[Tuesday; Video:PUBLIC]

[When the feed clicks on and Allison's smiling face becomes visible, it's one that's glowing with good health, and something else that's been absent for a long while now: real joy, and something very close to peace.

The infirmary is visible behind her, but it recedes as she speaks because she's leaving it. She's grinning, her cheeks are pink with a lively flush...she's not wounded, sick, or undead.

She is, however, singsonging playfully as her smile grows, splitting her face cheerfully.]

Guess who's baaaaaaack?

[Giggling, she rolls her neck as she emerges from the infirmary and starts walking briskly towards her cabin.]

So! I came home with clothes, new friends...thank you again, Zane! Alrianne is awesome...and a brand new perspective. Truthfully, I feel a lot better than I did...

[She sobers, her stride slowing, and though her features darken just a little, that new almost-peace doesn't leave her.]

...and I understand a lot more about my future.

[She shakes it off, and with a toss of her hair she's smiling again.]

I have some stuff to do, but I'll be in my cabin in about an hour...anyone who wants to drop by and say hello can come see me then. But I'm here, I'm okay...I feel good, and this time I'm not undead.

[Giggling, she waves at the feed...and if her eyes appear to glow for an instant, it's probably nothing to worry about.

Just a trick of the light.

With that, she switches away to filters and sends a few private messages.]

[Beacon Hills Residents Filter]

Don't come see me. I'm not hiding, I'm fine, I'm just gonna hit you all up separately to visit. Got some restless energy I wanna burn off, I need to pick up Duchess from Duke, I want to check on Tig...just let me make my rounds, walk it off, and I'll be there soon.

And to all of you...I'm not sorry for what I did back home? But I am sorry I was such an ass here. I can't say I won't ever put my life on the line for any of you again, but I will absolutely swear that I'm going to work harder to make sure I don't have to.

...I missed all of you. Like, a ton.

[PRIVATE;Duke]

I want to pick up Duchess...but can you be there? Say, meet me in your cabin in ten minutes? I don't just want to grab her by myself. I'll explain more when I get there.

[PRIVATE;Tig]

I'm home, and I missed you bunches. Are you okay? Tell me where you are so I can come collect a hug. I need one.

[PRIVATE;Admiral]

Hello, sir. I have two things...first, I need to know if there's any way I can change my deal.

Two...I started some of this before I left? And I finished it up during my infirmary stay last night. It's...well, I guess it's a Christmas list. So...

Tig: A box of cigars. I know he smokes cigarettes, but maybe he can regift them. Also? You know everyone better than they know themselves sometimes...at least I think so. Anyway, back home Tig had a dog. I’d like him to have his dog...that way, Duke can have his dog back. And speaking of...

Duke: I’d like to give him a small case of ammunition with a fleur-de-lis engraved on every shell casing, and some really good alcohol (NO VODKA). I’d also like to give the aforementioned dog, Brownie, some tennis balls, rope toys, and a fabulous new collar. Something with pretty rhinestones, and a tag with her name on it.

Isaac: Some new scarves and cardigans. One set of a scarf and cardigan should have a fleur-de-lis stitched in silver thread. And, uhm...I’d also like some lingerie in my size, preferably black or dark blue. Something kind of...sexy. Let’s put it this way, something Lydia would approve of me wearing. And trust me, this is a Christmas present for Isaac, so please make it pretty.

Kira: a crossbow of her own, with a fleur-de-lis embossed on the stock, with some solid wood bolts. Also a set of her own Chinese ring daggers, like mine, and a karaoke machine. Girl needs to get her sing on more often.

Lydia: She has a dog back home, Prada? I'd like her to have him back. Also? I want her to have a really fabulous pair of shoes. Maybe...Manolo Blahnik. Something in black, maybe boots? Also, an electrified baton, like the one I have. 900,000 volts should do.

Scott: A bunch of new video games, and a portable video game system, like a Nintendo DS or something. I don't know much about video games, but I'd like him to have something he can take with him on ports or something. And some games to go with it. Also, this may be weird...but I'd like to arrange for Scott to have some time alone with Kira. Nothing high pressure, but...I want them to spend some time together. Have fun...maybe lock them in the Enclosure for a night with a really pretty outdoor setting? I just...want to give them a little push together.

Stiles: Some pictures of his mom and dad, framed for his room, and if you can give him the thing I'm about to ask for? I'd like his cabin expanded to accommodate a life size Darth Vader figure.

Jackson: Truthfully, I don't know what to ask for to give to Jackson...can you give him something that will make him happy for a little while? Or just...make him happy? Like, really happy.

Morgana: I'd like you to give her a really nice collection of stories about Robin Hood. Mythologies, fictional tales, any age or time period.

Riddick: a really nice set of cookware, and a case of good red wine for cooking. I want to challenge him to see which of us can make the best beef bourguignon.

Zane: I don't really know how to ask for this...I want to give him a bunch of metal, the stuff he uses to make his powers work? Also a pile of grass and willow bark toys for his rabbits, and a silver arrowhead with a fleur-de-lis on it. They're...well, let's call it a token of friendship.

Steve Rogers: Please get him a new sketchbook, some charcoal and pencils, and maybe even an easel, some canvases, and some oil paints. Oh, and some books on Rembrandt to remind him of our museum visit in Amsterdam. Also, based on some stuff I've heard...I'd like Steve to have his very own Beacon Hills High School lacrosse jersey.

Bucky Barnes: I've seen him in some plaid shirts like Stiles has? I want him to have some jeans and t-shirts, too. I'd also like for him to have a modern day stereo, with some CDs to go with it. Big band stuff, though, things from his own time.

Vergil Sparda: I'd like to give him a bottle of good alcohol...no vodka. I'd also like to give him a leatherbound edition of The Three Musketeers by Dumas. It's near and dear to my heart, and I think he'll enjoy it.

Iris Wildthyme: ...I honestly have no idea what to get the woman who can get whatever she wants, so I'd like to give her three dozen yellow roses, because yellow represents friendship and they'll make her cabin brighter for a little while.

Jerry Dandridge: I'd like to give Jerry a gift...a fulgurite sphere. It was either Lydia or Stiles that once told me fulgurite is made when lightning strikes sand. It's proof that sometimes, when a dangerous and volatile thing is set free, something beautiful and good can result. I want him to think of me when he sees it...what he did to me, and what I'm going to do for him.

And for everyone else I know, stockings full of candy and little things they would enjoy. Also, one more thing...

For everyone on this list except Jerry, I'd like to have baseboards installed in their cabins, made of mountain ash. Not the door jamb, though, leave that free...but if they want to protect themselves, they can just request a small amount of mountain ash from you and put it down on their own.

[Open Tuesday Spam]

[After picking up Duchess from Duke's cabin, Allison visits the cabin of everyone from Beacon Hills in turn, explaining what happened and assuring them she's okay...and each visit makes it easier somehow, settles the newborn beast living in her skin until she's nearly rid of that restless energy, that sense of being on edge and ready to jump at anything.

An hour later, as promised, she spends some time in her cabin, but later she ventures to the dining hall for a healthy, protien-heavy meal, and if she hasn't heard from him already, she'll be prowling the corridors, looking for Tig to check in with him and make sure he's okay.

Aside from that, feel free to find Allison just about anywhere on the ship...either sneaking up on you silently by accident, or with her head lifted in the air, possibly cocked to one side, listening to all the new sounds and breathing in all the new scents that are flooding her heightened senses.]

Comments

[private]

[theresalwayshope]

[Allison tosses off a playful salute.] Yes, ma'am.

But, uh...if you're running late? I understand. I'd sleep in, too, if I was that snuggly with Isaac.

[Allison doesn't quite finish the wisecrack before she cuts the connection. Allison frowns at that, but...she tries not to let it bother her. She deserves it, right? Things with them have been awful...

But the wolf doesn't like it. She can feel it, that unrest a second voice in her head. She tries to rely on the meager memories she has of her mirror self and doesn't fight the wave of feeling. She lets it take her over completely, and it brings pain. The wolf's pain, that fractured pack bond.

She's still amazed at how...easy it is. Not totally easy, the violence is never more than a heartbeat away...the desire to tear and shred, that restlessness of being so caged, but when she thinks of the pack it helps a lot.

When she doesn't fight the violent urges that sync so well with her own...it gets easy. Easy to handle, easy to control...but also easy to give in and let go.

It's a balance she knows she's going to struggle with, which is why she's dealing with one packmate at a time. All of them would overwhelm her, and she might lose control. Instead, she picks up Duchess easily enough, and she heads for Lydia's cabin within an hour, as promised.

...well, maybe twenty minutes early when she's finally knocking on Lydia's door.]

[private]

[lydiascreams]

[Lydia doesn't answer-- because she's not there yet. It takes her a while to actually convince Stiles to let her get up. And it's not until he's really awake enough and understands that Allison is back that he reluctantly does so. And then Lydia has to change and decide on what she's gonna do with her hair (a ponytail unfortunately has to do) and do her make up. She now luckily keeps some at Stiles' since, well, she might as well not make her life harder. And she's not walking around the Barge without any make up on.

But by the time she reaches her hallway and sees Allison already there, her stomach drops and she wishes she had made it there before she did. She wishes she had more time to prepare for this. To remember all the things she wants to say to her and she needs to say to her.

On the other hand though, she's so incredibly relieved to see her there. Alive. Okay. She really didn't believe it was going to work out. And she makes a mental note to thank the Admiral.

First things first, though.]

I'm here. [She calls as she approaches, although she could swear Allison was already turning around. Either way, her chest tightens and as soon as she's close enough, she's wrapping her arms around her. Always mindful of Duchess, of course.]

[private]

[theresalwayshope]

[Allison stops knocking when she catches both the sound of her feet and the scent: waxy sweetness of makeup, something floral...and something else, something with a scent she can't define, but that immediately bursts inside her with a relief she can't connect to, a feeling that isn't her own.

She turns just as Lydia appears, and the sight of her...

Mine.

It's a feeling that echoes in her head and heart like a wolf's growl, and it floods her with so much joy she can hardly stand it. It's just like before, only more because she can finally feel that pack bond. She feels it like a rush of strength, and for a second she loses control as she jogs up to Lydia, lifts Duchess so she's not squished between them, and laughs softly as she sweeps Lydia up in a big hug.

If her eyes flash gold for a split second, maybe it's a trick of the light. If something like a canine growl trills in Lydia's ear, it could easily be masked by Allison's bright laughter and the fact that Duchess immediately tries to squirm close enough to greet Lydia herself with a wet bunny nose and tickling whiskers against her cheek and neck.

There is, however, a ferocious level of strength in Allison's grip that wasn't there before.]

So am I...and I'm not going anywhere. I promise.

[private]

[lydiascreams]

[Lydia feels absolutely relieved, she wraps her arms tightly around Allison and despite herself, can't help but giggle softly at the bunny.

But something is off.

It's not bad like the night she found Allison drinking blood on the deck. It's-- pretty much the opposite of that, actually. That was so cold, so filled with death and this-- it's something warm. And alive. That's the best way she can describe it.

As she pulls away, she reaches over to pet Duchess so she doesn't feel left out, but then she looks up at Allison, letting her words sink in for a second. I'm not going anywhere.

With a nod, Lydia takes a deep breath and purses her lips together. She turns toward her room when she feels her eyes getting a little teary. She just needs to give herself a second, just long enough to open the door.]

C'mon.

[private]

[theresalwayshope]

[Allison follows obediently, still smiling a little...and still holding one of Lydia's hands, keeping contact because the wolf wanted it. Now that she was close, Allison felt so desperately clingy...it was weird, but a good kind of weird.

She let Lydia steer her inside once she got the door open, and only then did she feel like she could let go because it was Lydia's room...her den, at least that's the other word that came to mind and she blamed the wolf for it.

It was home turf, and it made her feel better. More secure.]

[spam]

[lydiascreams]

[Lydia wants some space, she wants to clear her head. But she keeps her fingers wrapped around Allison's anyway.

As she walks into the cabin, she feels like she hasn't really been there in a while. And she hasn't been around much. With Scott and Allison both gone, on top of everything that's happening with Stiles, it just felt like they could both benefit from her spending a lot of time over there.

She pulls Allison toward the entertainment room that appeared in her new cabin when she asked the Admiral to change floors so they can sit down on the couch. She figures Duchess will be more comfortable there than on the bed, anyway.

Even as she sits down, she still doesn't let go of Allison's hand. She knows if given the opportunity Allison will start asking questions. But there are things Lydia wants to know first. Especially why she feels so different.]

How did it go? [Back home, in Zane's world. All of it.]

[spam]

[theresalwayshope]

It went...well.

[And it's not a lie. As she sits next to Lydia, she sets Duchess down, who promptly hops over and scurries into Lydia's lap to snuggle in the crevice of her legs, chittering contentedly. That part still bothers her a little, that she has to earn Duchess's trust all over again...she senses that Allison is a predator, and she doesn't have her mirror counterpart's control yet. It makes Duchess nervous, and that stings just a bit.

But it's not a lie. Things went well...and Allison is starting to feel, with every passing second, like maybe they went better than she could have hoped.]

Zane's friend I stayed with, Alrianne...she's amazing. She reminds me a lot of you. She threw a party for me, showed me around...her husband's awesome...and she sent me home with a bunch of dresses, I have to show them to you later.

[Talking about Zane's world makes her light up, cheerful and energentic, but some of that bleeds away when she thinks about home, though she doesn't look troubled or upset.]

At home...for a long time, it was almost like I forgot about this place. Home seemed like the only real thing, but when you were abducted? I remembered.

[She takes a deep breath, then gathers Lydia's hand between both of hers. The contact comforts Allison, but she also wants it to comfort Lydia: to let her feel the living warmth of her skin, the strength in her fingers.

No death toll. No weakness. No pain.]

And I won't lie: I planned to leave once I knew you guys had the situation handled...but I did go to Oak Creek anyway.

[spam]

[lydiascreams]

[Duchess' behavior definitely throws Lydia. She reaches for the bunny with her free hand, trying to comfort her. It's almost as if she's-- afraid of Allison? Almost as if she also feels what Lydia is feeling. Like something isn't quite right.

Then she focuses on Allison. She listens to her talk and she can't bring herself to smile when she mentions the dresses. It's good to see her lighter, but not knowing what's different is bothering Lydia a lot. She hates not knowing things. Especially when it comes to the people closest to her, especially after everything they've been through.

Just Allison mentioning home is enough to make her tense. She had been hoping she'd change her mind about going back there. And the mention of Oak Creek makes her stomach turn and her face pale. She wrote to her. She explained all of it, she told her where she was, she told her she was okay the whole time. That she'd been trying so hard to keep her away the whole day.

But she went anyway.

Again.

And despite having her sitting right there in front of her, with her hand in hers, Lydia hates where this is going.]

Allison. [She suddenly remembers all the things she wants to say, all the reasons why she's been so incredibly mad at Allison for going. But she holds back for now. She'll let her finish her story first.

And then she'll listen.]

[spam]

[theresalwayshope]

I didn't go to lay my life down for you.

[She squeezes Lydia's hand carefully, her features earnest and unsure as she stares into her face.]

It was Isaac...Isaac, Lydia. If I hadn't stayed, he'd have gotten killed. I went to rescue you but I stayed to save his life, and if I hadn't gone? I wouldn't have figured any of it out, I wouldn't have graduated...

[And that meant something to her, that her father thought she was ready. She was a hunter now, and in her own way she was an adult. She could fight, stand on her own two feet, she could protect what was hers. She felt...well, a little more like the other Allison.

She felt worthy.]

I don't regret it. I can't, because...I get it now. I really, honestly get it.

[That her life is more than just playing human target. That she can still give that life to protect her friends, but do it differently. She can be smart about it, like Lydia. She can be brave, like Stiles. She can give her pack quiet, unerring devotion like Isaac, or she can offer up a missing piece when it's needed, the way Kira does.

And if she's very, very lucky, she can learn to save lives without spilling a single drop of blood...just like Scott.

She cant figure out how to put that all into words, though. She hopes Lydia understands, and finally she takes a deep breath, lowering her gaze to their joined hands.]

Once Isaac was safe, I was ready to go...but the Admiral didn't pull me out fast enough.

[She lets the wolf rise up, just a little, feels it in the warmth that builds behind her eyes.]

So...I had to ask Scott to help me keep my promise.

[Slowly, she lifts her head...and beta gold eyes, filled with fear and uncertainty, lock on Lydia's face once again.]

[spam]

[lydiascreams]

[The details of how it happened really don't change much to Lydia. If she was trying to save her or protect Isaac, Allison still died.

And as she says that, Lydia knows that the crisis she had the previous night wasn't a weird nightmare. Wasn't just a passing feeling. It was real. It was actually happening. Allison was dying again.

She doesn't hear much of what Allison says next. She feels sick and so angry at her. She understands the part that she had to know things for herself, but she doesn't understand her going that far when she asked them to relive it. To tell her about it. To prevent it from actually happening again.

Lydia pulls her hand from Allison's, and she's about to get up from the couch -- because she needs some distance so she can think clearly instead of exploding at Allison -- when she sees her eyes.

And then she stills again, her stomach sinking.

It makes sense. Why everything she felt the night before suddenly stopped. Why Allison feels so alive and so different. Scott had to bite her to keep her alive.]

Jesus, Allison. [She breaths out, watching her with not so much shock, but worry.]

What did you do? [How could she have put Scott through that? How could she have allowed herself to go that far?]

[spam] cw: mentions of suicide

[theresalwayshope]

I did what made sense. [And it still does, even now...remembering her mirror self, even remembering what she did after Jerry turned her, she feels a sense of inner calm that she's not sure she's ever known. Being a vampire was a cold, sick parody of this: every killer instinct, every hunter's impulse laid permanently to rest.

Oh, they're still there, but she doesn't question them. She can't, it's her nature. She's a true hunter now, and while it doesn't fix everything, it calms so many of her doubts and fears about herself...it lays so many old demons to rest...]

I didn't want to die, I wanted to keep my promise, but Lydia...something funny happens when you die, and I did die.

[Standing with preternatural grace, she moves to Lydia and uses gentle strength to try and make her face Allison, her grip one of human force she could escape if she wanted to...but she hopes Lydia won't, because Allison is trying to look into her face.]

And I did die, Lydia. I know you felt it, and I know it was awful, and I will always regret that you carry that in your memory, sweetie. But it happened, and it can be fixed...before I explain anything else, you need to stand there and listen to this.

[She lets her eyes glow wolf gold again, wants Lydia to see Allison her friend and Allison the werewolf, side by side...wants her to understand that she didn't make a rash choice.

That she finally feels whole.]

I asked for this. I came back outside Scott's door...it's like the Admiral knew. Maybe he could have gotten me to the infirmary in time, maybe they could have treated me, but I asked him for the bite before he took me. They kept me stable until the bite took...they kept me safe until this morning.

I asked for this. The thing that drove my mother to kill herself--God, Lydia, you have no idea how much I hate that woman now for what she did to me because of stupid, selfish pride!...the thing I became in another world, that made me a better person.

The thing that will make me harder to kill. Think about it, Lydia...I didn't have to do it. I could have tried to let the doctors save me, but I did this. I did this...to keep my promise.

[To stop trying to give up her life for her friends, to do something better with it instead. To understand how precious her own life was.

To make sure her pack would never have to watch or feel her die again.]

[spam] cw: mentions of suicide

[lydiascreams]

[When Allison comes closer to her, her first instinct is to pull away. Because now she's not just mad because Allison let it happen again, she's furious that she made Scott see her like that. Furious that she forced something like that on him. Because she knows Scott would never say no to that request. And she knows Allison has to know that to, and it's not fair to him.

But when she asks for her to listen, Lydia just takes a deep breath and holds Allison's gaze as she sits still, only moving her fingers to gently pet Duchess who is now pressing against her stomach, as close to her as she can get.

Allison doesn't really talk about her mother and Lydia only knows what happened because she made Stiles tell her everything during that summer while Allison was away. After Jackson left. But it's the way Allison says it that makes her question her decision even beyond what it did to Scott.]

Is that what this is about, Allison? Your mirror self? [She does pull her face away from Allison's grip as she sits up and shakes her head, but continues to look at her.]

Which promise are you talking about?

[spam] cw: mentions of suicide

[theresalwayshope]

[She's explaining it badly, and Allison lets Lydia have a step back. Shaking her head, she wrings her hands together and takes a deep breath, looking down at them as she speaks.]

Not like you think, not...that it would make me a saint. Like I said, things get real clear when you're about to die, and...Lydia, I promised myself I wouldn't let you scream for me again. I wouldn't die, I'd survive...I'd keep surviving.

Forget morality, good versus bad...there's one thing I remember about my mirror self, and that was the fact she was...at peace with herself. I didn't understand it, but now I do. The killer instinct, Lydia...the hunt, the chase, the kill, all the things I hate most about myself are part of being a werewolf. I can feel them all inside, I can feel the beast and the blood it wants. And you know how I control it?

[She finally looks up...and her expression is happy, even peaceful as she smiles.]

I don't. I remember her anchor: it's violence, it's all the things in myself that I'm most afraid of. And if I let go, if I just...let it take me...it's like I can finally see the root of it, the goodness behind every dark thought, and I can hold onto that to keep me human.

What I asked Scott to do...[She trails off, drawing a shaky sigh as she frowns and lowers her head again.] I know it's not for everyone, but...for me, to me, there's nothing wrong with being a werewolf. And it has me rethinking everything I ever believed about werewolves. Yeah, they're dangerous under the wrong circumstances, but...

[She shakes her head, tearing up a little.]

I kind of wish Erica were still here, so I could apologize all over again. I need to talk to Jackson, I...maybe I can show him how good being a werewolf can be, maybe it'll help him graduate. Because it is, to me...and when I think of the fact that my mom chose to die rather than try to live like this? To see that it could be a gift?

I hate her for it. Because even if this goes away, like being a vampire did, I know I can be this later. The hunter, the predator...I don't have to fear that part of me anymore. I can be it. She could have, too...her death set off so much, and if she had tried to live with it? Like my mirror self did? Maybe Jackson wouldn't be here right now. Maybe none of us would be here right now...maybe I wouldn't have died in the first place, if my mother hadn't been such a coward.

[spam] cw: mentions of suicide

[lydiascreams]

[Lydia listens, more patiently this time as she realizes that Allison misunderstood what she was saying. She hugs Duchess to her chest carefully and stands up, mostly because she can't really stand to sit anymore.]

You don't have to convince me that werewolves are good, Allison. I know they can be. Even if I didn't know Scott, if I didn't know any of the others that we trust, I can still feel the difference on you. [She looks at her for a moment, pursing her lips together as she decides if she should say her next words. But then she realizes there isn't much of a point to this conversation if she's not going to say what she needs to say.]

When you were a vampire, when I told you you didn't feel like yourself. That's what you were lacking. The real you.

I can feel it there now. Honestly, stronger than it's been. I don't care if you're a hunter, a werewolf, or just human. As long as you're yourself.

What I don't agree with, what I've never agreed with. In fact, what my problem with so much of what you've been doing lately is that you just don't seem to listen to us, Allison. [She was managing to keep her emotions under control until now. But as she starts to get to the root of the problem, it's harder to do that.]

Look at what you just did. You asked all of us to give you details of-- [she pauses for a deep breath] one of the most painful moments of our lives. You asked us to relive it so you could be safe. And we did. And then you went home and stayed through it anyway.

You have to know what brought all of us here, Allison. Me, Scott, Stiles, and Isaac. All of our deals, every single one of them have to do with saving you, with stopping your death, with making sure you never have to go through it and that we never have to lose you. But you just didn't seem to care. And not only that, you came back here and you made Scott live through it again. You made me feel it again.

Do you have any idea how selfish you were? How much unnecessary worry and pain you caused us?

[spam]

[theresalwayshope]

[With a new understanding of what Lydia meant, Allison feels a surge of guilt that shows in her eyes, creasing her brow with a frown as she shakes her head.]

It wasn't...on purpose, Lyds. I didn't remember until we knew where you were. And then...I just wanted to make sure everyone got in safely. Then...I thought maybe I could hit the Nogitsune, give Scott an opening to do what he had to. And then when the Oni turned on us, I...

[She trails off, and it sounds lame, even to her. It doesn't make it any less true, but maybe Lydia does have a right to be pissed.]

I went there with every intention of leaving before...and I did, I tried. I just had to cover Isaac and then I was about to go...

[She opens her mouth, then closes it helplessly with a sigh.]

It...it all happened so fast.

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[She's not expecting that reaction from Allison at all. She was expecting justification, her telling her that she meant to stay, that she wanted to feel it, so she'd know what it was like. That she had to experience it for herself.

Not-- this. It's not quite an apology. But it's sincere. And that helps her pull herself together again. Because maybe Allison is getting it. Maybe she's actually beginning to understand how bad it all got.

Lydia also isn't expecting is her choice of words. And it hits her hard.

Closing her eyes, she turns away from Allison as her stomach clenches. It's impossible for her not to remember Mr. Argent coaching them outside of Oak Creek, before the cops got there. She remembers listening to him while she stared at Allison's body on the floor. Her legs were bent, her arm stretched out off to one side while her head was facing the other way. She wanted to walk over to her, adjust her so she would be in a more comfortable position. But she couldn't move.

Nothing felt real. It doesn't feel real now. It feels like she's remembering a nightmare.]

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[Allison can smell it, feel it, that shock and that gut check. It's more than just chemosignals, the air is sour with Lydia's pain and that strength she feels as part of the pack, it's like that's soured, too, by what she's feeling.

She doesn't know for sure what brought the sudden swell of agony, but she knows she's responsible for it.

Moving over, Allison stands behind Lydia and wraps her arms around her shoulders, hugging her from behind. She presses her face against the back of Lydia's head, breathing in her scent, and a pained, canine whine escapes her throat without her permission as she tries to will that sweetness back into her scent, to will away the horror she feels with every intake of breath.]

I'm sorry...I'm sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean...I'm sorry. I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm going to fix this. I'm going to make sure you don't lose me, okay? I'm going to stay alive, I promise.

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[Once more, Lydia isn't expecting Allison to do what she does. But this time, she doesn't object to it. She leans back against her even as she shakes her head.

She carefully shifts Duchess in her hands so she can free one of them, which she hold on to Allison's arm with a moment later. And then she focus on what she's saying, on what she's reminding her. On the fact that yes, she's there. And hopefully this time for good.]

You don't know. You didn't know. [She whispers after a moment, opening her eyes when she starts feeling calmer.]

It's okay. [Allison's okay. She's there. Not cold and still on the floor, but warm and breathing, standing there with her.]

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I do now. And...I don't think I can change it, but I'm going to fix it. I'm not going to leave you.

[Encouraged by the contact, Lydia touching her back, holding on, Allison shifts to rest her chin on Lydia's shoulder. She's hanging on her a little, but she doesn't care. She can't, because the wolf in her head isn't whimpering or angry at a packmate's hurt, anymore. This feels like the right thing to do.]

I like this, Lydia. I'm grateful for what Scott did, I feel...I'm content. If I knew I wasn't going to die, I would choose to be human, but if death is in my future...I'm going to ask the Admiral to change my deal. You guys, you stop it if you can, I'm okay with that, but if you can't? I'm going to ask him to give me a second chance.

If I still have to die...I'm going to ask him to let me wake up as a werewolf. Without the bite, I know what Scott did for me cost him. I won't ask him to do it again if I know the Admiral can help me.

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[She doesn't mind it in the least. Allison's weight as she leans on her, physically, makes her feel almost like she does need her for support metaphorically, too. Now that Allison is a werewolf, maybe she can be to her what Stiles is to Scott. She can be her link to humanity.

But her words are what really help Lydia calm down. Hearing Allison worry about her own future, her own life. Being willing to change her deal to protect herself, too. It gives her hope that something good did come out of all this.

Lydia tears up as she nods, turning to glance over at Allison.]

That's good. I think you should. [She pauses, swallowing hard even though she's pursing her lips into a smile.]

So we can be sure.

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[Allison smiles back...and while the air isn't totally clear again, there's something new in her scent, a flare of hope in Allison's chest with every breath...the sour smell of fear and the bite of anger is being alleviated with something sweeter, fresher...relief, she hopes.

She wants that sour scent to be gone...so she grins, impulsively, and because she can, because she's strong enough, she shifts to try and wrap her arms around Lydia's waist from behind so she can lift her off her feet and spin her in a playful circle before setting her down again, giggling the whole time.]

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[The next thing Lydia knows, she's being lifted off the floor and she's spinning.]

Allison! I have Duchess! [She's gasping and securing the bunny, but she can't help but laugh at the way Allison is giggling. She's relaxing, too. Because Allison sounds so much lighter.

Once she's on the her feet again, she turns around to face her best friend and takes a deep breath.]

Did you turn into a werewolf, or into Alan?

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[Giggling at the wisecrack, Allison just grins, smiling down at Duchess and finally reaching for her bunny so she can cuddle her for a second. Duchess is tenser in Allison's arms, and that's upsetting, but she doesn't growl or squirm or thump. When Allison gives her a place to tuck into on her shoulder, she settles in, and after a few long moments finally starts her contented chittering.

It makes her sad that she scares Duchess now...but it will get better. She hopes, at any rate...and it's hard to be near her when the smell of rabbit makes her beast growl and itch to run, to hunt...]

I turned into me. [She's still smiling as she faces Lydia again, running a hand over Duchess's furry side.] That's what it feels like, anyway. I like how strong I feel...I sort of hope we find a port where I can just...run. Run and never stop.

[She kisses Duchess, and it makes the beast within snarl. Duchess seems to sense it, because she promptly stops chittering.

With a sigh, Allison takes Duchess and hands her back to Lydia.]

It's so weird. She smells like food...not to me, but to...the wolf. [She makes a face, looking sheepish.] It's a little like having multiple personalities, you know? The wolf is like another person in my skull...she has wants and needs and a voice.

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[Once Allison hands Duchess back, Lydia takes her for a second, trying to comfort her, but then she shakes her head and holds the bunny out to Allison again.]

She'll get used to you eventually. She'll understand that you're not a danger to her, but to anyone who might try to hurt her.

[She watches Allison for a moment, then moves to sit back down on the couch. She does look a lot happier, and she will be much safer now, as a werewolf. If she had wolf reflexes that night, she never would have--

Lydia takes a deep breath and cocks her head at her.]

Are you okay, then? Really, okay?

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[Allison narrows her eyes at Lydia a little, but accepts Duchess back and lets her have her spot back on Allison's shoulder. Keeping her steady with one hand, she returns right to Lydia's side on the couch, their sides touching from shoulder to knee without Allison really meaning for it to happen.

She can't help it, just...the contact feels good.]

I am. [She lets Duchess slide back down to curl up in her lap, nestled right in the crook of her legs.] It's like...there were cracks, and the bite filled them up. Now everything...feels better. Fits.

...and I wasn't kidding about my mother. [Something harder and flat enters her tone, a new sort of anger that darkens her expression as she shakes her head.] Maybe this isn't for everyone, but...ending her life before she could find out? Without trying? How many generations of my family have done that? How many lives were lost, needlessly? Because of this thing that saved my life...that will save my life?

...God help me, Lydia: my mother was a bad person. Maybe even as bad as Gerard.