theresalwayshope | they've got us picked for life in the ground...

Allison was finally starting to realize what life without Scott would have felt like.

The two weeks after Jason's departure were a strange cocktail of grief so painful it wore her down and left her numb, white hot rage, and a sense of obligation that left her with no time, energy, or will to look after herself.

Athos got his muffins every couple of days. She was readying herself for graduation. She got a small raise at work. Beta and Todd got walked, and every night after dinner she went back to reviewing the material on her local options for college with one or both curled up on her lap or draped across her shoulders. There was also, of course, the odd night here and there when she let herself into her uncles' apartment to bring by extra baked goods, treats for the Captain, or just quietly took a look around to make sure they were taking care of themselves.

And at night, she would take to the streets. More of her targets ended up at the hospital these days than ended up at the police station, all of them deathly afraid of the Alpha and her cold, unchecked fury.

The Alpha alone emptied herself out, raging and screaming and feeling. Allison herself, as she fulfilled her obligations, was stoic, at best. She often forgot to eat, taken to nibbling when she cooked for others and often making up for it with a post-patrol pizza in America's honor, and stayed out so late as the Alpha that she grew pale and visibly exhausted.

The last time she lost the boy she loved, she kept him in secret. When she really lost him, it was her choice. She escaped for a summer...she traveled, she at least tried to heal.

This time, she had no secret affair, no place to run. It was just Allison and her pain...and she couldn't even talk to her uncles about it. Especially Porthos.

She felt the void today as she quietly let herself into their apartment, a bag of muffins under one arm. It wasn't intentional, but along with some leftovers from the batch of chocolate orange she'd made for Athos, there were a few of the chocolate salted caramel Porthos loved so much.

She didn't say a word as she used her key to unlock the door. She headed for the kitchen and immediately checked to see if they had any older ones that were frozen for later. She was dressed for work, but the white slip dress and black cardigan were plain, clearly chosen for ease of removal for later, when she got into her gear. She was also wearing more make up than usual, with plenty of concealer to hide not just the circles under her eyes, but a healing bruise on her jaw from a fight the week before.

She'd grown better at concealing wounds since the night she'd been mugged.

While she was aware of Porthos, she said nothing to him. The night after he found her, she'd tried to talk to him, but he hadn't said a word to her. She'd stopped a couple days later, as the sorrow wore and the rage burned...

Today, the Captain was the only one to greet her, leaping onto the nearby counter to miaow in greeting. Shutting the freezer, she stopped long enough to quietly stroke his back and offer him her fingers so he could smell what Todd and Beta had been up to.

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It's been nearly two weeks since he had his run in with Allison in the streets. He refuses to think of her as anything but that -- Allison -- as the girl that he's come to love like family. He sits in the living room when she lets herself in, nose buried in the binder of potential surrogates for what must be the tenth time since they picked it up. It's been getting harder to ignore her, but the problem is that he misses her. The other trouble is that his disappointment at being told nothing is still as harmful as ever.

"We don't need any more cookies," he says absently, not taking his eyes off the words. "Been trying to eat healthier," he says, voice brittle and feeling close to breaking.

"Diets don't work unless you treat yourself once in a while." she replied, her own voice quiet and hollow...not lacking emotion, but bereft, emptied by anguish and isolation.

She could hear the edge in his own tone, however, and couldn't stop her heart from picking up speed just a little. It was, after all, the first words he'd spoken to her in two weeks.

So she quietly found a platter and a cake cover, arranged all but two of the muffins on it, and set it on the counter. Getting a plate for the other two, she brought it, and the Captain, into the living room.

Taking a seat across from Porthos, she set the plate silently on the coffee table, settling the Captain in her lap.

"I swapped out most of the butter for avocado." she explained. "They're lower in fat...try it."

Porthos deliberately doesn't look up from what he's reading because he's not sure he's ready to have this talk, but at least they're doing it without any weapons pointed at each other. He gives an even grunt, wondering how much Aramis would yell at him for continuing the silent treatment, especially given how he hadn't liked it when Porthos had used it on Athos -- however briefly.

"Not hungry," he says, even though he is.

Liar. she thought to herself. Porthos was never without an appetite unless he was hurt, he always had the best appetite...it was what made cooking for him such a joy.

So they were still doing this...fine.

"It's okay. I have work anyway." she replied, keeping her composure even though it tore at what was left of her heart. Giving the Captain one last rub between the ears, she dislodged him with a mewl of protest, then got to her feet. "I'll see you around."

His jaw tenses to the point that it clicks audibly when she says 'work' because now he doesn't exactly trust her and he hates that. He ought to be able to trust his friends and family, but they've been lying to him or treating him wrong. "And which work would this be?" he asks, finally looking up from the book despite the fact that he knows looking at her is going to weaken his resolve.

"Hmm?" he challenges. "The sort you didn't bother to tell us about? The kind that could get you killed?"

She had just turned her back when he spoke. The biting, suspicious question cut her deeper still, but there was no shock in the hurt.

By now, she was used to the pain.

"The kind that pays my bills." she snapped, whirling back around to face him. "And for the record? It's what I do at night now that keeps me alive. Trying to be normal and safe and everything I'm not is what nearly got me killed, so don't you dare get pissed at me for going out there. Get mad I didn't tell you, that I understand, but don't you dare judge me. You're a soldier, for God's sake! You should understand this!"

"That's not even close to why I'm angry," he growls, on his feet and looming at full height and with a look on his face that proves that when he wants to be, he can be every bit as dangerous and feral as people might expect when seeing him. "Do you not get that? I don't care that you do it. Yeah, it would be hypocritical if I did because I am a soldier and I've got no bones with you being one. My problem is that you didn't tell us. You didn't tell me or Aramis and soldiers have other people to watch their backs. We told you about our hunts, we asked for your help," he points out.

Shaking his head, he's awash with confusion. "Do we really matter that little to you, that you couldn't even tell us? And no, I don't understand how you kept us in the dark on this."

"I kept you in the dark because I love you, you big moron!" she snarled, the rage seeping out as she stood toe to toe with him, unafraid of the looming bulk of her angry uncle. "I'm out there every night, targeting one of the most dangerous and populous street gangs in Darrow, people that would use you against me in a heartbeat if they even suspected you knew who I really was."

Fresh anger flashed through her as she shoved at his chest.

"What's more, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? I am a soldier, I didn't do this alone! I was never alone out there!" She shoved at his chest again, then drove a fist into it.

"He was with me, protecting me, even before I put on that mask! I started because he was alone out there, and I stayed because he had my back! I was safe, because he! was there!"

And, as her voice fractured midway through, growing more shrill...as tears filled her eyes and finally began to stream down her face, it became increasingly clear just who he was.

"That's not a good reason!" he barks back, because the truth is that he'd never want someone to keep anything from him, especially if they purport to love him. He's so much about honesty and loyalty that the idea of deceit and lies genuinely doesn't settle well with him. "And I don't care if you were alone, you lied to us! You didn't tell us! And now that he is gone, and I'm so sorry, petit, but now that he is, you should have told us then," he says, finishing steadily.

"I'm still so mad at you because we're your family. You don't keep secrets from family. Ever," he says, standing there and taking every punch. Even though he wants to draw her into an embrace, he's still just a touch too angry for that.

"Maybe I would have...maybe I-I might have, if I'd had time." she confessed, angry words wet with her tears as she stopped to sniff and scrub at her nose and cheeks furiously with one hand. "Y'know? I had another friend I fought with sometimes, and she left, too...but I was okay because I still had him--"

She cut herself off, a fresh sob rising in her chest. Pressing a fist to her mouth to try and stifle it, she waited, head bent and trembling until it subsided, before she continued.

"Maybe if I'd had the chance, I might have. Eventually. But I didn't get the chance 'cause you found me. You found me the same night I knew he was gone, and before that--before we met, I truthfully had no idea what I was doing, and by the time I put on the mask...I was in too deep. I've always been in too deep, Uncle Porthos. Being honest about who I really am and what my life is really like has never come naturally! I had to keep my relationship secret from my family, I had to keep my family secret from my best friend, I had to keep it all secret from the rest of the world--secrets are all I've known."

Porthos can't be that angry anymore. He can still be cross and hold her and that's what he has to do now, stepping forward to draw her into his arms, holding her as tightly as he can while she shakes and sobs, stroking her hair with his hand. "I'm still upset you kept it from us for as long as you did because I don't believe in secrets," he says. "Not when they're yours to give." He holds her as close as he can. "Which is why I'm gonna tell you the only thing I've been keeping from you and only because I've been given permission."

"I'm mad at you, but I understand," he says. "And I'm sorry you lost your Jason. I still don't want you to be alone." He keeps her in close against his chest, tight. "As for my secret, which I suspect you already sort of know; Athos is with Aramis and I, romantically."

they've got us picked for life in the ground...

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