theresalwayshope | 002} you'll shoot across the sky like a broken arrow [video/spam]

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002} you'll shoot across the sky like a broken arrow [video/spam]

[PUBLIC]

[The image of Allison's smiling face is a little too close for comfort, and visibly jostling. She's walking somewhere, and her voice is being kept deliberately low to this end.]

So...my best friend, Lydia Martin, is making herself ship's cruise director or something, and she's enlisted her friends to do her bidding. So.

[Her smile grows...nah, she's not bothered. This part's fun.]

How would everyone feel about a monthly party? Like a mixer for each floor. Every month, different level's common room. Anyone can come, but it gives everyone on each level a chance to just...mingle. Get to know each other. It's a morale thing. Hit me back and let me know your thoughts.

Also? If you want to join the party crew, also hit me back. I'll tell Lydia to talk to you.

[PRIVATE: Scott, Lydia, Stiles (aka, Pack Filter)]

Saturday I'm doing Pack Movie Night. My cabin, dress code is comfy pajamas, and extra cookies will go to those who bring pillows and super cozy blankets so we can pile up on the couch. Or the floor...whatever's comfortable at the time.

And because I'm a nice hostess? First to arrive gets to pick the movie...oh, and attendance is mandatory. [Sorry, Scott, she's the alpha of Movie Night.]

Bottom line: I want quality pack time. Period.

[SPAM: OPEN]

[Once she's done with her video messages, Allison shuts off her comm and pockets it with a grin, marching through the ship's corridors in search of Lydia's cabin. Yes, she's being a goofball. Yes, she should warn Lydia she's coming.

No, she does not care: her best friend is wearing the poodle pajamas to Movie Night.

She's open to running into anyone in the corridors, and sidetracking if needed, but Allison is a woman on a mission. Eventually, she ends up at the door to Lydia's cabin and knocks, very calmly, waiting for the door to be opened.]

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[Allison doesn't answer right away, turning back to Lydia's bureau to find her camisoles for approval...and to hide as her smile dies a little. It's not like she's upset. She's not, she's genuinely not upset by her little revelation about Scott. He's found someone, it's good. And, if Allison is right, Lydia is finally seeing reason and Stiles is going to get his happy ending, the one the Nogitsune wanted to steal from him.

And she's alone again. Not alone, just...alone. And she wouldn't be if she had more vision, if she hadn't ever let herself be a pawn in someone else's game. She wouldn't be what she is now, the one her pack needs...the jaws of the pack, stained in blood and ready for every unspeakable deed so the mind, the heart, and the soul can survive...

But she could have kept Scott.

So she takes a subtle, deep breath, and finds one camisole, this one a pale pink. Tugging it out of the drawer, she held it up for Lydia's approval, smiling again when she turned around.

It's a stubbed toe. Sandpaper on skin...a slip of the knife in the kitchen. It hurts, but it will fade. Scar tissue can be sensitive...she'll be fine.]

I am worried. I don't trust you. [She says it sweetly, avoiding discussion of her own outfit because it doesn't matter, because she isn't trying to be pretty for anyone.] C'mon...you think the shade goes with the pink in the pajama pants?

[Even if Allison hadn't been her best friend, Lydia would still have noticed the change in her posture. The way her shoulders slump and her head drops. As subtle as it is. She'd have noticed.

And she's suddenly nervous and worried that Allison knows. That she's figured out that they didn't tell her the truth about what happens to her.

But if that had been it, Lydia would have seen at least some hint of anger and betrayal on her friend's features when she turned. And all she sees is a very well hidden hint of sadness. Something else must have happened. She has no idea what it is, so she threads carefully.]

I was thinking white, actually. Pink might be overkill. [As she answers her, she gets up from the bed. The fact that she didn't call Allison out for saying she doesn't trust her should be enough to tell her she knows something is up.

She waits a second before continuing, because that's all the warning Allison is getting.]

What's going on?

Nothing. [She says it with a dismissive little frown and a shake of her head that's almost convincing, because it doesn't feel like a lie.

She's not upset. She's not angry, she's not even suffering any dashed hopes. She's just...wistful. Longing for what could have been, reminded enough of how much she loves--loved Scott that it stings like a papercut.

It's not the kind of sorrow that breeds resentment. And it hurts worse for that. To have loved--to love someone so much that she can be happy for him...and want to cut out her own heart so she can forget that she ever cared.

She doesn't let it show...her eyes get too bright, but her expression doesn't falter. Because she won't burden even Lydia with this if she can help it. Not when the last Port was so hard on all of them, not when they're planning parties and watching movies and she gets to have Stiles back somehow while she's saving him.

Not when they're all allowed to be happy for a little while...especially when there's a shadow behind everyone's eyes.

A hole she can't identify...a hole they think she can't see.]

I'm fine! I'm just emotionally invested in this movie night. For obvious reasons...where do you keep the white cami?

[Nope. Lydia is not letting it go so easily. She just got her best friend back. She's not going to let her suffer in silence because that's what she thinks she's supposed to do.

Lydia doesn't care what her family taught her growing up. She can still open up with her and be the same strong, badass hunter Allison has always been.

The bright eyes are hard to miss and it's not too long ago that she was wearing a similar expression before she managed to shake it out and focus on what her cover story for Allison instead of why she got so upset over something so stupid like that conversation with Stiles.

She managed though, to shake it off. And her focus is now on her best friend. As it should be.

And then Allison says she's invested in this movie night and of course.

She didn't catch the whole conversation between her Scott. The last she saw, Scott was telling Allison that every Saturday wasn't a good idea. And maybe he's mentioned Daneca.

It's a wild guess, but it explains her expression.]

Okay.

[She places her hands over Allison's arms and pulls her over to her bed so she'll sit down.]

You're emotionally invested in something, but it's not necessarily the movie night, is it?

[She thinks of it only after Lydia sits her down on the bed: the stupid filter on the comms. She probably overheard the conversation with Scott, and now she feels vaguely stupid.

Staring down at her hands, she loses her smile and shuts her eyes for a long, quiet moment. When she looks up again, the brightness has faded a little.]

He didn't say anything...but he had Kira back home, and me and Isaac...it wasn't hard to figure out.

[She takes a deep breath as her throat closes, and she shakes her head hard.]

I'm not upset. I'm...he deserves to be happy. I'd even love to meet her, you know? I want to know she's good for him. Because...I love him.

[She blinks hard, then rubs her eyes to make sure they stay dry.]

I can let go of him, but...I can't let go of that. And it just hurts. It's like...like an old scar. It flares up sometimes when the weather changes, and it hurts like hell. But then the weather clears, and you're fine. It's just...the weather changed. [She shrugs, trying to look sheepish...except her eyes are diamond bright again.] That's all.

[Her heart breaks a little as she watches Allison talk. Because she's trying to brush it off, but Lydia knows it's more than what she's saying. Scott was her first love. And their relationship had been good, they had been happy. And although they hurt each other, it was because of circumstances much bigger than them.

Honestly, Lydia always thought they'd get back together, eventually. But that's not what Allison needs to hear right now.

So she sits down next to her and wraps an arm around her back, rubbing it gently instead.]

You don't have to let go of it, Allison. Even if you try, you probably never will. [She still cares about Jackson. Still wonders how he's doing and if he's okay. Even after all this time, after everything that has changed. Even though all they did was hurt each other. She's a different person now. She wants different things than she did when they were together. But part of her will always want him to be okay.]

I don't know if I could be as good friends as you two are after everything you've been through. And even if you want him to be happy, you don't have to push yourself to spend time with her until you feel like you're ready. If you're ever ready. Especially if it hurts you.

It doesn't matter if it hurts me.

[The admission is quiet, factual, and has her rubbing her eyes again. This time, her fingertips come away wet, but her cheeks stay dry.

Because she's the jaws of the pack. Her own father abducted her, tied her up, and left her to escape as her first lesson in hunting. She organized the capture and torture of teenagers in a fit of grief...she changed a family legacy the day she changed the Code.

She isn't a girl with a broken heart. She hasn't been four a long time...she's a soldier, and soldiers bleed. Soldiers kill. Soldiers hold the line. They don't fall in love and mourn when the next unspeakable act forces them away from the creature comforts they are trained to spurn...she learned that during her summer in France when she found out her parents' marriage had been arranged.

Soldiers dip their hands in blood to protect the innocent, and the good soldiers do so gladly.]

It doesn't matter. [She stares at her hands, and winces when a tear quietly splashes onto one.

It doesn't matter...because it's okay to love people do long as you're prepared to lose them. She's learning to love Scott...she's just having a hard time learning to do it without being in love with him.

But she'll learn. She has to.]

Edited 2014-07-04 07:01 (UTC)

Yes. It does. It matters to you. And it matters to me.

[Especially now. Lydia just wants Allison to be happy. To get everything she wants out of life now that she's been given a second chance. She wants Allison to have a perfect life.

And if there's anything Lydia can do to make sure it happens? She will.

Of course she doesn't know how Scott feels and she couldn't force them together but if she has to find someone for Allison to move on with? She will do that.

Doesn't mean she won't try finding out how they both feel first, though. After all, Scott did make his deal because of Allison.]

If-- he wasn't seeing someone. Would you feel differently?

[The ready answer on her lips is 'yes,' but it's not an honest answer. It's a selfish answer, one coming from her heart...a broken heart she can no longer trust. Her heart screams yes, it's him, it's only ever been him and I can't stand another second without that smile he gives me that makes me forget I ever felt pain.

But her head knows better. Her head reminds her heart, gently, that Scott isn't the only one she loves. She's here for Stiles, too...she's here for both of them so Scott won't have to turn his best friend, and Stiles won't lose his humanity to the Nogitsune.

She's not just a hunter, she's a Warden...And she had to be true to that.

So she ignores her heart and answers with her head.]

No, I wouldn't. I broke up with him for a reason, Lydia...I still have too much to make up for, too much...blood on my hands.

[She sighs, flopping back to lay on the bed and draws a shaky sigh as one lone tear leak out of the corner of her eye and slides down her temple, into her hairline.]

Maybe if I graduate my first inmate...maybe if I can save Stiles...maybe then it'll be enough. It'll also be too late, and I know that. So...it'll pass.

[More silent tears are sliding out of her eyes. She lets them...she ignores them, but she lets them go, her voice still steady as she continues.]

It always does. Something will remind me I've lost him forever, and I'll be in pain for a little while. Then it'll pass, and I'll be okay again...ready to go. [She looks over at Lydia, and she finally has to sniffle as the tears lodge in her throat.]

Ready to fight. [Just like a good soldier.]

Allison...

[Lydia sighs softly and shifts closer, wrapping her arm around her best friend's shoulders and giving her a sideways hug. One she knows Allison needs but will never ask for.]

Sweetheart, you're not a robot. It's okay for you to feel things. It's okay for you to wish for things. It's okay for you to not be one hundred percent all of the time.

[And yes, she's aware she sounds like a hypocrite saying that, which is why she adds:] And if you don't want the whole world to see it, I understand that. You know I do. But you don't have to pretend around me. I'm your best friend for a reason.

I will never think less of you for it, Allison. I know how brave and strong you are.

[Because Lydia knows the real answer is yes. She can read it all over Allison's face and posture. And especially the tears she's trying to hold back.]

And maybe you have things you need to make up for for yourself, but not for the rest of us. You've done so much for the pack. You've more than earned your place. [And that doesn't even begin to cover it. Not when Allison literally died trying to save her.]

[She's wrong about it being okay for Allison to feel, to think she's even that normal. She's not in a position to want anything for herself, and she hasn't been in a long time. Coming aboard the ship, serving as a Warden for Stiles...and, if she's truly honest with herself, for Scott, too...it's the only bit of selfishness she can allow herself because it serves the greater good. She wants what must be done, and it's only a happy coincidence.

Those moments when what she must do are the same as what she wants to do are few and far between.

Still, Lydia doesn't understand that, but she does understand hiding weaknesses like this: feeling, wanting, hurting.

She hasn't earned it. She won't have earned her place until she saves Stiles, one great life for the countless lives she's wrecked...but she's with Lydia, and they're alone, and for her, Lydia will forget if Allison is weak for one moment.

Lydia is strong...strong enough for both of them, at least for this one moment.

So Allison's features crumble as she turns her head, pressing it solidly against Lydia's shoulder. Soon, her shoulders start to shake a little, and very quickly, the shoulder of Lydia's blouse grows damp with tears.

She doesn't make a sound, she can't let herself be that weak...but she lets herself cry these silent tears of regret so she can put this brief moment of pain behind her. She lets Lydia hold her as she cuts this weakness out of herself, lancing it like an infected wound so it can heal.

At least until the next time longing and loneliness poison it again.]

[She's surprised when Allison does give in. She hasn't seen her best friend this upset-- probably ever. Yes, they've had emotional conversations before but even after her mom passed away, it wasn't like this. Not even after she broke up with Scott -- even if they didn't spend a lot of time together before she went to France and Lydia was dealing with her own issues -- and she knows that was a hard decision. Obviously.

She's glad Allison is allowing herself to cry, though. And she wraps her arms around her, pulling him to her as she brushes a hand over her hair gently. She obviously needs it. She needs to grieve the relationship they had and the one she thinks she won't be able to have in the future and Lydia gets that. She did a lot of grieving after Jackson broke up with her. And then again after he left for London just after she thought they might get a second chance.

But nothing compares to the grieving she did for her best friend. A lost relationship is nothing compared to death. And that is why this breaks her heart.

She knows she needs to be strong, to be there for Allison, to hold and comfort her. To be her rock. So she's keeping it to herself and she's the one wearing a mask now, because she can't know. She can never know.

Instead of breaking down with her, Lydia just swallows her own feeling and hugs Allison tighter. She doesn't tell her it will be okay, she can't know that for sure, even if she believes it will be.

Maybe not between her and Scott, but their lives. They will be okay once this is over. Once they have their deals fulfilled.

Once they are back home and the pack is complete again.]

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002} you'll shoot across the sky like a broken arrow [video/spam]

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