003} can't no preacher man save my soul [video/spam]

[theresalwayshope]

[SPAM]

[When Alan Argent wakes up in the morning...something doesn't feel quite right.

He can't really put his finger on it as he gets up to take a shower. He's a little confused as he strips off his shirt, wondering if he was really that exhausted that he forgot to put on shorts before he went to bed the night before. It's all sort of...fuzzy...

The real problem comes when he gets to his closet...and it's filled with girls' clothes.

He lets himself freak out for...maybe a minute. He frantically searches every hanger, his bureau, even under the bed, but there's nothing he can wear. And he damn sure can't run around the Barge in just a towel.

It takes a while, but he finally finds a pair of gym shorts in an unlabeled box in the back of his closet. There's also a couple of t-shirts in there, and Alan doesn't understand what it's doing there. It's not supposed to be in that back corner, underneath his case of carbon arrow shafts. It's taking up the space where another box should be...

Alan takes a deep breath and shakes his head. He's already lost it once, he can't let himself fall apart again. Besides, he has to find Lydia and make sure she's okay. Maybe this was one of those floods he kept hearing about, but one that just...swapped out all their clothes?...

He slides on the shorts, not bothering with a shirt. It's already weird enough, wearing someone else's clothes. Grabbing his comm, and the sheath with his ring daggers, Alan stalks out of his cabin and into the halls, where anyone can run into him.

First, he'll check on Lydia. Then they can make sure the rest of the pack is okay.]

[PACK FILTER]

Guys? Something weird is going on.

[The male face with a certain familiar bone structure is bouncing a little on the screen. He's not bothering to keep his voice down, and he's clearly walking through the ship's corridors...and he's not even remotely happy.]

I woke up, and all my clothes? Gone. It's like I'm living in a girl's room. I just...this isn't right. So just let me know you're all okay, or I'm gonna come and break your cabin doors down. [The threat is quiet, gentled with a sliver of forced humor, but the concern in his tone is very genuine.]

[Private to Lydia]

Lyds? You okay, babe?

{GENDERSWAPPED ALLISON! XD All of "Alan" Argent's replies will come from youowemeanewbow.}

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AWKWARD EX SPAM

[youowemeanewbow]

[That stings...and it shouldn't have been that way. Not if it was the way she said it was--he said it was. Because supposedly, Scout was really a guy, and he was really a girl, and those really were his clothes in that closet.

...so why had any of it happened at all?

Shaking himself a little, Alan focuses on the jeans in his hands, then glances at Scout, where she's holding a pair of jeans for herself.]

No, it wasn't. [And it should have been...he shakes his head with a sigh.] No...Gerard still forged that note, and he still tried to kill me.

[The bitterness is thick in his tone, and the name falls from his lips with such a chill he feels the ice form on his lips. He can still remember being there, watching the moment his mother had been bitten. He still remembers his father telling him they'd handle it.

He'd been horrified when she took her own life...but he hadn't mourned her. Not until Gerard had presented him with his mother's suicide note with instructions to burn it...

And everything he'd always needed to hear his mother say was there. How much she loved him, how much she regretted her inability to show him the depth of it. How the women in their family had to be hard and strong, and that too often their loved ones suffered for that fortitude needed to lead.

How that, even though he'd never been the daughter she wanted, he was one of the finest men she'd ever known, and that he had to live for her...to be the man his father would need to see her death had meaning.

All he'd ever wanted was his mother's love...and it had driven him to do unspeakable things to the only people that really mattered, only to find out that Gerard had written it himself.

That she'd died in her own room. That his grandfather had kissed her forehead, that she'd died in his father's arms, but didn't even stop by his room to tell him to have fun at Lydia's birthday party before he left that night.

That he'd never been worth anything to her, save for his skill as a hunter. And that wasn't worth even a note.]

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[haic]

[There's so much more that Alan isn't saying. Scott can tell that much - he can practically smell it, though he's not sure what name to put to those emotions. Disappointment? Longing? He waits a long time, lets silence fall and stretch between them.

It's been so long in his mind, since the Argents were a danger to him - it's not that Scott forgets, really, it's that he can forgive so completely that transgressions become less, become softer and faded. All he knows is that something isn't right here. Something isn't being shared.

He turns to root through drawers again, finally coming up with a bra and grabbing a tee shirt at random. He can't just ignore this, because if nothing else, Alan should be a friend. So he stops, lets out a quiet breath, and turns back to the only Argent in the room.]

What happened? You're not...You're not telling me something. Why'd you think we'd still be together?

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[youowemeanewbow]

[The question brings Alan up short, and makes him...almost believe, for the first time, because he has to wonder what kind of world they lived in that his family could have kept them apart.]

Because if I was a girl? Everything would have been different. My mother would never have tried to kill you. Matt would never have started stalking you...hell, maybe Jackson never would have asked Derek for the bite. He damn sure never would have come under Gerard's control, because I wouldn't have let it get that far. The minute my mother was dead I'd have stepped up to take charge. I'd have changed the Code...and we'd all have been safe, don't you see?

[He's a little lost in the fantasy of it, his gaze distant and his expression soft with something like hope, just thinking about it.]

My dad and I, we'd have stopped Deucalion in his tracks. We'd have beaten Jennifer Blake down long before so many people had died...we'd never have tried to give up the life, because we'd be helping people. We'd never have had to sacrifice ourselves to save our folks, Stiles would never have been possessed...we'd all be home and safe and happy.

[He sobers then, and that pain Allison works so hard to hide, that Scott-shaped hole she never lets him see...it's out there in Alan's face, raw and open and full of regret.]

And we'd be together. Because I never would have hurt anyone. I'd be...I'd be stronger. I'd be better. [He lowers his gaze and shakes his head, drawing a shaky sigh.] I'd never have let my own stupid mommy issues cost me the only good thing I've ever really had.

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[haic]

[The wait of that hurt is too much. He's floored by how much has changed - how much hadn't - how much Alan thought that - that being Allison could have changed things. There's a small part of him that just wants to run, that doesn't want to explain that it wouldn't have mattered. He doesn't want to take away that hope. It feels like putting out a light. He doesn't - ever - want to put out a light for her - him.

Scott looks down at the clothes in his hand. He could be fast enough to just go, but he knows before he even thinks it that he's not just going to bail. That's not what he does.

His eyes dart to Allison's bed, and for a second, he thinks maybe they should sit down. But he's not sure that closeness right now is a good idea, either. Scott didn't realize - the only good thing I've ever had. Was that how Allison felt, too? His hair falls forward, and he pushes it back, tucks it behind his ears and breathes.]

It wasn't that different. Your mom still tried to kill me. She, um. Found out we were sleeping together.

[It's not as awkward to say as he thought it might be - though it still sounds ludicrous - so he pushes on.]

When we weren't supposed to be seeing each other, I mean. And Matt...Matt was stalking Allison.

[He's separating them in his head, making them four separate people. He can't tell someone with this much weight on them that their memories aren't real.

There's some emotion in his voice when Matt comes up, though it's not easy to describe. He was angry, but he never really hated Matt. What would he have done, if he'd had no one? And Matt really had been alone. He tries not to think about what might have happened, and shakes his head, only vaguely annoyed as the hair comes out from behind his ear again.]

Most of it happened that way. Allison did change the code, but not right away. It was - her mom had just died. Nobody can take on that kind of weight, after something like that.

[They had been young with no weight to carry, but he remembers how hard it was on Stiles. He remembers how impossible it had been, how all he could do was be there. Allison hadn't let him, and he couldn't blame her. He hadn't even been able to tell her why her mother had died.

Deciding to follow his instincts, even if the physicality of it all feels wrong, Scott sets aside his clothes and moves to hug Alan again, arms wrapping around under neath Alan's shoulders instead of above them.]

You are strong, dude. I can already tell that. [Because Allison was. He closes his eyes briefly.] I know you did everything you could. For everyone. [He's ignoring the way his voice goes tight.]

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[youowemeanewbow]

[It's a lot to take in, and by the time Scout has her arms around him, he's reeling in a million different directions.

The anger in her voice, talking about Alan...Alan's counterpart...being Matt's target. Knowing that Allison did change the Code, and hearing yet again how strong and good he's supposed to be when he's not...

Alan shuts his eyes, then after a moment he hugs Scout back. And it hurts, it rips him bloody inside because he can't hold her the way he wants to. In any world, he can't have her the way he was supposed to, and he doesn't have Isabel here with her pretty golden curls, quiet strength, and sad smiles to make him forget his sins long enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, he's entitled to a second or two of happiness.

He has his pack...but even that is a constant reminder of where he's failed them. And Scout...he can't get by without her, but even this comfort is just one more reminder of the fact that he's lost her for good, and that he's alone.

That he doesn't deserve her, that he never deserved her...that he will always be alone, and that's the way it's supposed to be.]

You've said that to me before. [His voice is quiet, thick with emotion, but he swallows it painfully down...he's already burned her with too much of it.] And you're still wrong...but I'm trying, babe. I swear to God, I'm trying to be that guy.

[It won't change anything. It won't bring her back to him now that she's found someone else...but he still loves her too much to ever disappoint her.]

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[haic]

[She doesn't believe him, and Scott closes his eyes tight again. He just needs to push it back. He needs to push it all back, so that he can be some kind of stable ground here. He feels like he's falling apart. The idea that maybe Allison has been feeling this way knots his stomach, like it's his fault, like it's not his fault but he feels guilty anyway--

He's chasing his thoughts in circles, and it's not helping anything. He breathes in - can't help but notice the differences in the way the Argents smell, or the similarities - and releases it slowly before leaning back with his hands on Alan's shoulders.

Maybe he can't change anything. Maybe nothing can be changed, maybe it's something that Alan comes to on his own, but Scott is bad at saying nothing. He's bad at walking away.]

I know technically you don't know me, but I'm willing to bet that Scout and I aren't all that different.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it.

[And he has always believed in Allison Argent.]

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[youowemeanewbow]

[It would be easier if they were different. If she really was what she said, a guy he'd never met...or even a guy he knew, but not with the face that had been haunting him since he realized she was just...gone, that there was nothing left to win back. It would be easier if he wasn't looking into those eyes, through that wayward hair he was forever brushing out of her face with his fingers when they were together...

But nothing's easy in his life. Alan doesn't get easy or even kind. He never has, and he never will...so he gets this.

Scout McCall...or whoever it is...speaking with that absolute conviction and faith he can't turn away from. She--he--believes it, with a purity that Alan can't insult by rejecting.]

I know you wouldn't. [He pauses, drawing a shaky breath as he rubs the back of his neck absently and forces himself to take a very small step back.] Neither would she.

AWKWARD EX SPAM

[haic]

That's what I thought.

[He smiles a little, because - it's not like he isn't feeling how grossly awkward the whole thing is. He can only imagine what Alan's feeling about it, and for the most part - he really doesn't want to imagine what it was like. If Allison still looked like Allison, but thought she was supposed to be Alan?

God, that would be strange.

Scott shakes his head, waves his hands and goes to grab the clothes again.]

Okay, I'm gonna just...take these back to my room. Let me know if you need any more stuff, okay? Mi casa, and all that.