008} i'm gonna hide my wings tonight

[theresalwayshope]

[PUBLIC - Video]

[When the feed clicks on, Allison is in her bedroom in her cabin. She's sitting cross-legged, hair mussed and still in her pajamas, having clearly just woken up. She's also wearing a cardigan that some parties may recognize as being pilfered from a certain new werewolf arrival's room, but she's not talking about that right now. She's smiling, and she looks pretty sleepy...but she also looks pretty darn happy.]

Morning, Bargees. [She grins, wrinkling her nose cutely.] I haven't really checked in with peeps since port, so I just wanted to see how everyone was doing.

[She pauses, her expression still soft, but...a little more sober.]

I guess...I don't know, I've just been kind of thinking. A warden arrived recently that...made me stop to appreciate how lucky I am to have my pack here. See, werewolves in my world? They're stronger in packs, literally. And wolves without a pack? They're called Omegas. It's...the worst thing in the world a wolf can be. Alone, friendless...clawing, fighting to survive every day. And I hate to think that anyone on this ship...could be an Omega.

So...if this ship is a pack? Then no matter how alone you are, I'm your packmate. Warden, inmate, my door's always open. And it's not, like, pity or anything, or even sympathy, it's...I care. I really do.

[The sudden earnestness in her face is real, because she's having another of those moments she tries to hide from the pack: where she feels the weight of her own mortality. Her friends are going to save her, but...she's still sort of scheduled to die.

So are they all...and the sudden revelation makes her chest tight as she realizes that nobody, not anyone, deserves to be alone should the end ever come. Even on the Barge, where it can come a hundred times.

Allison will do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.]

[Private - Vergil]

Hey, Vergil! No biggie, I just wanted to see how you were doing. We didn't really get to talk much after port, did you have fun?

[Pack Filter]

Haven't talked to any of you much since Isaac got here, but...you all know Isaac got here, right? And yes, Isaac, I know you can see this. I just...want everyone to be on the same page.

[She pauses, taking a deep breath as she carefully keeps her face schooled into happy, fond lines. She has to hide the weight of the emotion she's feeling. She has to make sure that none of them see that maybe a rough day is coming for her, one where she might need to be alone to either cry or scream or just stare at the passing stars on deck and let silent tears of pure gratitude slide down her cheeks.

The worst, the most visceral, the most intense parts of dealing with her impending demise, she will do alone.]

And I wanted to tell you guys that I love you.

[That's it. That's the message...because they need to hear it. Every day, every second, until they're sick of it...so just in case, just in case, they will be drenched in it for the rest of their lives.

Every day, she's going to tell her pack she loves them...so it will be impossible for them to ever feel her love is missing from their lives if she somehow doesn't come back to life when their deals are fulfilled.]

((pre-dated fourth wall day transmission, because tomorrow morning may be too hectic for me to get this up. :P))

Comments

[BFF Filter]

[theresalwayshope]

Yes, you do. [Her tone is infinitesimally gentler, a little quieter, but still as impassioned as before.] He's the boy who's loved you since the third grade. He's Stiles. He's smart enough to get you, he's generous enough to endure you, and he's here, Lydia. He's your tether, he's everything you need.

So ask him to be your date. Just...grab on and don't let him go--Lydia, I never even asked Isaac out. Do you understand?

[Her breath catches, and she goes quiet for a second.

She thanks God her voice is still steady and her eyes are mostly dry when she finds the words again.]

I'm going to die, and I never even asked Isaac out. You've seen it...my death...and knowing that, having lived through that...

[She trails off, her voice failing her again. Shutting her eyes, Allison rubs her forehead with one hand and just shakes her head, not trusting herself to keep talking.]

[BFF Filter]

[lydiascreams]

[Allison talking about her own death is too much for Lydia. She get it, though, so she nods even though she's more than just teary eyed now. She knows how much her best friend missed out on. That's why she had made her deal.]

You're not going to die anymore. That's why we're here. All of us. To make sure you get to ask him out and live the life you deserve. [Her eyes are red as she looks up at the camera again and even though she sniffs, she is mostly able to stop herself from fully breaking down.]

But what you said about Stiles. [It is less painful to talk about that. She doesn't want want to remember Allison is gone back home.] That is why I can't just ask him out. I can't just take that kind of place in his life, Allison.

[If there is one thing Lydia hates is feeling insecure. Is feeling like she's not good enough. And that's how she feels.]

He used to be in love with me. Before he knew me. I don't know if that's changed. I don't know how he feels now. But I know I can't live up to the version of me he created in his head, okay? I can't.

[BFF Filter]

[theresalwayshope]

[Allison is going to blame her lack of patience on how unstable she feels, because Lydia Martin is not this stupid. This kind of insecurity in her confident and powerful best friend...it would normally break her heart, but not today. Today, it can't, because Lydia's being stupid.

Allison is not going to let her brilliant, beautiful, confident, and best friend in desperate need of happiness be stupid.]

Lydia, even Alan knew how he felt...knows how he feels. How both of you feel.

[She remembers the day that Lydia confessed that she'd never been in love. She remembers it with painful clarity because she ached for Lydia then...and now she feels tears running down her cheeks, a mixture of gratitude and frustration and fear because Lydia won't do anything about it. Allison's death is imminent somewhere, until the deals are made, and Lydia finally knows.]

Sweetie...you both stop breathing when you see each other across a crowded room. You count the seconds on the clock when you know he's coming, that he's waiting for you somewhere, and he does, too.

You can't throw that insecure crap at me and make me stop pushing you, because I know how you feel. I've been in love, I have a tether, and I've been that uncertain and confused, it's why I lost Scott.

[She tries to calm down by taking a deep breath, but it's not working. She shakes her head, her voice at least gentling a little.]

If my life really does have any meaning for you...if protecting me is that important? Then do it. Protect me from watching you ruin your life, take a risk that will either destroy you...or make all your dreams come true.

Ask him out.

[BFF Filter]

[lydiascreams]

[Allison and Alan both seem so certain about how Stiles feels, about how she feels. But Lydia has no idea.

She knows she loves him, she knows she feels safe with him, she knows she feels a much stronger pull toward him than she's ever felt with anyone before. He can calm her down, he can help her focus. He understands her and follows her thought process better than anyone else. He has apparently been seeing her, the real her, long before they ever became close. And no matter how much more he's seen, he's still around.

But what does it all mean? Logically, it means they should be with each other if they do each other good. And she knows they do. But is it all enough to assume they are in love?

Love, much like the supernatural isn't logical. Which is why it frustrates her so much. She was in love with Jackson. She knows she meant the words when she said it to him. But that doesn't mean it was right or good for either of them. They hurt each other so much. And maybe she helped save him, but even after that, it still hurt.

What if she hurts Stiles? What if they can't handle a relationship the same way she and Jackson couldn't? And with Stiles, it will be so much worst. They are so much closer, they have so much more in common. They are tethered together. Literally.

With a deep sigh, Lydia rubbed her hands over her face, taking a moment to herself before looking at her best friend again.]

I will try. I won't promise you I will just ask him out, but I will try to see things from that perspective.

[She glances down again, then back at Allison.]

How do you know things with Isaac are real? That they are not just because of the ritual? Because of the tether. [How does she know she's in love with him the same way she was with Scott?]

[BFF Filter]

[theresalwayshope]

...same reasons. [She hesitates, but the soft, tender smile that touches her features betrays what she's feeling.] I see him standing down the hall, and I...can't breathe until I'm with him, not really. And...y'know, we don't have class here, but when I'm doing something, and I know he's somewhere on this ship, waiting for me...I can't stop looking at the clock. Counting the seconds.

[She hesitates, then rolls her eyes a little sheepishly.]

And then there was finding out Scott was with Daneca. I've...met her. I didn't...say anything, I'm sorry. It was right after I woke up from dying, when I finally got you guys to leave and get some rest...I was still kind of out of it.

[BFF Filter]

[lydiascreams]

[The look on Allison's face is enough for Lydia to know she means it. And part of her is jealous that this seems to come so easily for Allison. She knows what she had with Scott was real. Like what she has with Isaac seems to be. Lydia hasn't had that. Not really. As close to it as she and Jackson got, she knows they were no good together. Maybe they could have become something else after the truth came out, but that's all gone now.

And now with Stiles. Things are already so complicated. Allison makes the doe eyed kind of love seem so easy. And Lydia knows she can overcomplicate things but she and Stiles are complicated people.]

You should have told me. [Mostly she throws that there because Allison has yelled at her plenty today.]

Do you think knowing he is with her helped you be able to move on? You and Isaac were already kind of-- flirting even back home.

[BFF Filter]

[theresalwayshope]

I know. I'm sorry, and I will totally make it up to you.

As for Isaac...[She trails off, her features softening with fondness and darkening with the unpleasantness of introspection...and admitting her own weaknesses.]

Isaac and I were just...trying to figure out what we were, I think. Y'know, there was something there, emotionally, but...it could have been friendship. But there was...an attraction...

Then I came here. And..[She pauses, swallowing hard with a shaky sigh and an even shakier smile.] Maybe there's more werewolf in me than I care to admit, since I hang with them all the time, but I can't live without the people I love. I just...can't. So I sort of...compartmentalize them, I guess. If they don't exist, I can't miss them, so...they have to not exist.

...I don't think I was able to let myself admit...how lonely I was until Isaac got here. Knowing Scott had someone here, someone back home...it hurt, but admitting what I needed to fix it? To make the pain stop?

I couldn't...survive missing him.

[BFF Filter]

[lydiascreams]

[Lydia listens carefully and she can't help but apply Allison's experience to herself. She knows there's obvious friendship between her and Stiles. He's one of her closest friends. There is also a lot of emotion, they care about each other so much. But does it really go beyond that?

It's hard to link the word attraction to Stiles at first but-- then she remembers the night she accidentally saw him shirtless in his room. The way her stomach tightened when she kissed him in the locker room and, well, the residual memories of her mirror self. It's not the kind of attraction she's used to. It's not just rip each other's clothes off and find the nearest available surface. There's more to it than that. A tenderness that she doesn't quite understand.

But Allison doesn't need to hear about any of that.]

I think it's something to do with joining the pack. It's not just-- belonging with the wolves. There is some kind of supernatural connection that pulls us together. At least for me, and it's probably a banshee thing, I can feel when you're close. All of you. [Stiles is just the strongest one, because of the tether.]

You could have told me about how you felt too, Allison. I knew you weren't okay. I just didn't want to push you.

[She pauses, her chest tightening as she thinks about what Allison said earlier, about all the things she wouldn't do back home, if things remained as they are.]

Are you happy? [Her best friend does look happy. But she needs to hear it from her.]